- My web pages:
- Home
- Hiking and climbing
- Photo Gallery
- Humour
- External Links
- Comments
- Downloads
- Emma the cat!
A married couple are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the =
side of the road. They stop; the wife gets out, picks it up, and brings =
it into the car. She says, "Look, it's shivering, it must be cold. What =
should I do?"
Her husband replies "Put it between your legs to keep it warm."
She asks, "What about the smell?" He says, "Hold its nose."
"Hello?"
"Hi, honey, this is Daddy ..... Is your Mummy near the phone?"
"No, daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, =
honey!"
"Oh Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mummy, right now!"
"Uh, Okay, then...here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run =
upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mummy and Uncle =
Frank that Daddy's car's just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!"
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.
"Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
And what happened?" he asks.
"Well, Mummy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and =
ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went flying out =
the front window and now she's all dead."
Oh my God!!!!! And what about Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and =
he jumped out the back window into the a swimming pool'.. but he must =
have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he =
hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's all real dead too."
***long pause***
***more pause****
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool???? Oh sorry i think i have the wrong =
number!!!!"
Even for a cat-lover such as yourself you must admit that this is more
than a little silly
http://www.infinitecat.com
I particulary like 4 and 5...
UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - TAKE ONE
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said,
"Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding
my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the
bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you
want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly.
"Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - TAKE TWO
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - TAKE THREE
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with
these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with
him.
"Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow,
aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire
fighters.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we
always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment, then the pastor said, "That's so sad. I
think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist
buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - TAKE FOUR
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build targets.
UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - TAKE FIVE
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - TAKE SIX
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible
designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just
look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has
many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "Actually it must have been a civil engineer. Who else
would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - TAKE SEVEN
Normal people believe that if it isn't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it isn't broke, it doesn't have enough features
yet.
UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - TAKE EIGHT
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was
better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he
enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring
relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because
the
passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?"
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume
you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and
get some work done."
UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - TAKE NINE
An engineer was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out to him and
said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over,
picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took
the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess,
I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the
frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful
princess and that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want.
Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engneer. I don't
have time for a girl friend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
How To Shower Like a Woman
Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according
to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do
more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and
pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added
vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until
red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
How To Shower Like a Man
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in
a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo'
sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Wee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath
the whole time.
Admire willy size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor,light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the
'woo-woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
Official Monster Raving Loony Party
Election Manifesto 2005
ECONOMY
We will issue a 99p coin to save on change.
The Official Monster Raving Loony Party will not join the single European
currency. We will invite all Europeans countries to JOIN THE POUND.
Rich people should be taxed to pay for the printing of money, as they use
most of it.
Tax credits will be paid to nice people. There will be a "total bastard"
tax for everyone else.
EDUCATION
In the interests of fair education policy, under a loony government all
children will automatically be given full marks in their exams.
All children will be given two birthdays like the Queen.
The number 13 will be abolished due to its longstanding unpopularity. The
bus to Acton North will now not have a number on it but not much else will
be affected. Therefore if you see a bus with no number on it, it will be
going to Acton North. Please remember this for future reference.
Any student who says the word "Like" when not grammatically called for, as
in, "Hey, I'm .. Like, going down the... like, pub", or, "I was, like,
don't do that" will be made to go and stay with George Bush for a week in
order to discourage them from other stupid 'Americanisms'.
TRANSPORT
In order to combat motorway congestion we will immediately close all
motorways to all vehicles with the exception of bicycles to encourage our
green policy and fitness.
Any bicycles with more than 3 gears will also be
banned for safety reasons. Apart from anything else this will allow police
to get on with catching burglars.
Traffic cops who are not intelligent
enough to cope with proper police work will be allowed to wear their
uniforms for a transitional period before being re trained as vicars.
4 wheel drive vehicles will only be allowed to drive off road, therefore
stopping mothers picking up their children from school in them when they
only live 100 yards down the road. They will also be wrapped in bubble
wrap to make them safer.
Drivers will be allowed to drive over roundabouts when there's nothing
about. This will make driving through Milton Keynes much more fun.
All speed cameras will be abolished and replaced by a new device fitted to
your cars which will automatically slow down to the speed limit when
driven though an infra-red beam. This will also apply to police cars;
their device will be set to 5 mph though built up areas.
HOME AFFAIRS
We will set up an enquiry to find out why there's a Polar bear on Fox's
Glacier mints.
The Millennium Bridge will be made wobbly again, by building a pub at
either end.
All computers will carry a hazard warning sign saying "Please do NOT
forget to open your window before you throw this computer out of it".
Due to the government's policy of opening pubs 24 hours a day, a loony
government for public safety will make the wearing of seat belts
compulsory in all pubs, and pub tables will be fitted with airbags so you
can fall over drunk without damaging your head (this does not offer
protection from your wife attacking you with the rolling pin when you get
home drunk).
Immigration: everyone wanting to come and live in the UK will be made
welcome, so long as they are over the age of 85 and accompanied by both
parents
1. Drive to local airport.
2.Catch flight to London Heathrow Airport.
3.Catch flight from London Heathrow to Dallas Fort Worth Airport.
4.Hire car at Dallas Fort Worth Airport.
5.Start going toward the "Airport Exit" on "International ParkwaySouth"
-
follow for 0.2 miles.
6.Bear left onto the highway toward "Terminal East Parking" - followfor
0.3
miles
7.Bear left onto "International Parkway North" toward "North
AirportExit" -
follow for 2.9 miles
8.Take the "Highway 114 west" exit toward "Fort Worth" - follow for29.2
miles
9.Then continue on "US 287 north" - follow for 91.1 miles
10."US 287 north" becomes "Interstate-44 east" - follow for 0.7 miles
11.Take left fork onto "US-287 north" toward "Vernon" - follow for104.0
miles
12."US 287 north" becomes "Avenue F (US-287)" - follow for 2.8 miles
13.Continue to follow "US 287 north" - follow for 104.9 miles !
14.Take left ramp onto "Interstate 40 west" toward "Dumas" - follow
for7.8
miles
15.Take "Exit 70" onto "US 60 east" toward "Dumas" - follow for 0.5miles
16.Take the "Buchanan Street" exit toward "Dumas/Pampa" - follow for1.7
miles
17.Turn right onto "Old Route 66 (Interstate 40)" - follow for 0.1miles
18.Arrive at the centre of "Amarillo, Texas"
Now that's the way to Amarillo!!!!!!!!
SO CAN EVERYONE STOP SINGING IT NOW . . .!
THINGS HALLMARK DOESN'T SAY
My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
"What the hell was I thinking?"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you.
I've changed my mind.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Congratulations on your promotion!
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West
Virginia)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Happy birthday!
You look great,
for your age.
Almost Lifelike!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
We have been friends for a very long time ..
let's say we stop?
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay.
Subject: Liverpool's new striker
The new Liverpool manager sent scouts out around the world looking for a
new striker to replace Michael Owen and hopefully win Liverpool the
title.
One of the scouts informs him of a young Iraqi striker who he thinks
will turn out to be a true superstar. The Liverpool manager flies to
Baghdad to watch him and is suitably impressed and arranges him to come
over to Anfield.
Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Man Utd only 20 mins left. The
manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.
The lad is a sensation, scores 5 in 20 mins and wins the game for
Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted
and the media love the new star.
When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about
his first day in English football.
Hello mum, guess what?" he say's. " I played for 20 mins today, we were
4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the
media, they all love me."
"Wonderful," says his mum, " Let me tell you about my day. Your father
got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and beaten and
your brother has joined a gang of looters, while you were having a great
time."
The young lad is very upset, "What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry."
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
"Sorry?!!" says his mum, "It's your fault we moved to fucking Liverpool
in the first place!"
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their
family member lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre.
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the
worried faces.
"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain
transplant.
It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.
Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the
brain yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great
length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a
female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye
contact with the women, but some actually smirked.
A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone
wanted to ask,
"Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire
group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the
price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."
According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were
kids in the 60's, 70's and early 80's probably shouldn't have
survived,because our baby cots were covered with brightly coloured
lead-based paint which was promptly chewed and licked. We had no
childproof lids on medicine bottles, or latches on doors or cabinets
and it was fine to play with pans.
When we rode our bikes, we wore no helmets, just flip-flops and
fluorescent 'spokey dokey's' on our wheels. As children, we would ride
in cars with no seat belts or airbags - riding in the passenger seat
was a treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle and it
tasted the same.
We ate chips, bread and butter pudding and drank fizzy juice with
Sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always
outside playing.
We shared one drink with four friends, from one bottle or can and
no-one
actually died from this.
We would spend hours building go-carts out of scraps and then went top
speed down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After
running into stinging nettles a few times, we learned to solve the
problem.
We would leave home in the morning and could play all day, as long as
we
were back before it got dark. No one was able to reach us and no one
minded.
We did not have Play stations or X-Boxes, no video games at all. No 99
channels on TV, no videotape movies, no surround sound, no mobile
phones, no personal computers, no DVDs, no Internet chat rooms. We had
friends - we went outside and found them.
We played elastics and rounders, and sometimes tha! t ball really
hurt! We fell out of trees, got cut, and broke bones but there were no
law suits. We had full on fist fights but no prosecution followed from
other parents. We played chap-the-door-run-away and were actually
afraid of the Owners catching us. We walked to friends' homes.
We also, believe it or not, WALKED to school; we didn't rely on Mummy
or
daddy to drive us to school, which was just round the corner.
We made up games with sticks and tennis balls.
We rode bikes in packs of 7 and wore our coats by only the hood.
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard
of...They actually sided with the law.
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem
solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion
of innovation and ne! w ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and
responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.
And you're one of them. Congratulations!
Pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow as real kids,
before lawyers and government regulated our lives, for our own good.
For those of you who aren't old enough, thought you might like to read
about us.
This my friends, is surprisingly frightening......and it might put a
smile on your face:
The majority of students in universities today were born in
1986........They are called youth.
They have never heard of We are the World, We are the children, and
the Uptown Girl they know is by Westlife not Billy Joel. They have
never heard of Rick Astley, Bananarama, Nena Cherry or Belinda
Carlisle.
For them, there has always been only one Germany and one Vietnam. AIDS
has existed since they were born. CD's have existed since they were
born.
Michael Jackson has always been white.
To them John Travolta has always been round in shape and they can't
Imagine how this fat guy could be a god of dance.
They believe that Charlie's Angels and Mission Impossible are films
from
last year.
They can never imagine life before computers.
They'll never have pretended to be the A Team, RedHand Gang or the
Famous Five.
They'll never have applied to be on Jim'll Fix It or Why Don't You.
They can't believe a black and white television ever existed. And they
Will never understand how we could leave the house without a mobile
phone.
Now let's check if we're getting old...
1. You understand what was written above and you smile.
2. You need to sleep more, usually until the afternoon, after a night
out.
3. Your friends are getting married/already married.
4. You are always surprised to see small children playing comfortably
with computers.
5. When you see teenagers with mobile phones, you shake your head.
6. You remember watching Dirty Den in EastEnders the first time
around.
7. You meet your friends from time to time, talking about the good Old
days, repeating again all the funny things you have experienced
together.
8. Having read this mail, you are thinking of forwarding it to some
other friends because you think they will like it too...
Yes, you're getting old!!
Subject: FW: Maths Question
An Irishman applies for a job, but the foreman won't employ him
until he
passes a little maths test.
"Here's your first question, the foreman said. "Without using
numbers
represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" the Irishman says, "Dat is easy."and proceeds
to
draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Haven't you got a brain? Tree and tree and tree makes nine,"says
the
Irishman.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Apply
the
same rules using the number 99, this time."
The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture
that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Dere
you go."
The boss scratches his head and asks, "How on earth do you get
that to
represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and
dirty tree. Dat equals 99."
The boss starts getting worried that he's actually going to have to
give
the Irishman the job, so he says, "All right, final question: same
rules
again, but represent the number 100."
The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture
again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says,
"Dere
you go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the illustration and bursts out: "You must be nuts
if
you think that represents a hundred!"
(Think you'll like this one.)
Whereby the Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the
base
of each tree, saying: "A little dog came along and crapped by each
tree.
So now you've got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and
dirty tree and a turd, dat makes one hundred....
So, when do I be starting the job?!"
Try this. The link to get to the crimson room is
http://flash.qbol.net/pl;p/youxi/images/04042203.swf
There are less than 4000 people in the world who can escape this house.
So have a shot.
http://flash.qbol.net/pl;p/youxi/images/04042203.swf
There are 13 items hidden in this room in order to let you get out of thi=
s
room.
If you found:
0-6 items, your IQ is very low, total idiot
6-8 items, Low IQ, you are an idiot
9-10 items, you are normal
11-12 items, your IQ is high, above the average.
13 items found and get out of the room, there are less than 4000 people i=
n
the world can do it.
See below
Imagine the eve of the Battle of Trafalgar if it happened today.........
Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."
Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's
the meaning of this?"
Hardy: "Sorry sir?"
Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his duty,
regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or
disability". "What gobbledygook is this?"
Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities
employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the
censors, lest it be considered racist."
Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free
working environments."
Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main
brace to steel the men before battle."
Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the
Government's policy on binge drinking."
Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full
speed ahead."
Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this
stretch of water."
Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in
history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest,
please."
Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."
Nelson: "What?"
Hardy: "Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And
they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone
up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."
Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral."
Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free
environment for the differently abled."
Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even
to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by
playing the disability card."
Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the
areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let
the crew up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don't want anyone
breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the
men to stand by to engage the enemy."
Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
Nelson: "What? This is mutiny."
Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged
with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal aid
lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
Nelson: "We're not?"
Hardy: "No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners
now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this
stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-coordinator hear you saying
that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary."
Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King."
Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age.
Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules."
Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum,
sodomy and the lash?"
Hardy: "As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on
corporal punishment."
Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
Hardy: "I believe it's to be encouraged, sir."
Nelson: "In that case ...kiss me, Hardy."
Be warned!!!!!!!!!!
Extract from a recent security breifing...
Prime Minister Chirac has officially raised the French terror
alert from
"Run" to "Hide".
There are only two higher alert levels in France, which are:
"Surrender"
and
"Collaborate".
The rise was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed France's
white flag factory - effectively crippling their military.
01.. Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in people's trolleys
when they aren't looking.
02. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute
intervals.
03. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the ladies
toilet.
04. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone: 'Code 3
in Housewares... and see what happens.
05. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on credit.
06. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
07. Set-up a tent in the Camping Department? and tell other shoppers
you are sleeping over and invite them in if they bring pillows from the
Bedding Department.
08. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask: "Why
can't you people just leave me alone?"
09. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick
your nose.
10. While handling large knives in the Kitchen Dept, ask the clerk if
he knows where the anti-depressants are located.
11. Dart around the store suspiciously, while loudly humming the theme
from Mission Impossible.
12. Hide in a clothing rack .. . . and when people browse through, say:
"PICK ME!!! PICK ME!!!"
13. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, hit the floor and
assume the fetal position and scream "NO!...It's those voices again!!!"
And last but not least:
14. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while... then yell
loudly: "There's no toilet paper in here!"
SCIENTISTS DISCOVER NEW ELEMENT
A major research institution has just announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named "Governmentium". Governmentium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 311. These 311 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
A minute amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take over 4 days to complete, when it would normally take less than a second.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years; it does not decay, but, instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass". When catalyzed with money Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element which radiates just as much energy, since it has 1/2 as many peons but twice as many morons.
go to
http://moon.google.com/
and click the zoom in link into you reach maximum zoom!
WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND: Definitely not!
WIFE: Why not - don't you like being married?
HUSBAND: Of course I do.
WIFE: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
HUSBAND: Okay, I'd get married again.
WIFE: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: Would you live in our house?
HUSBAND: Sure, it's a great house.
WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep?
WIFE: Would you let her drive my car?
HUSBAND: Probably, it is almost new.
WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WIFE: Would she use my golf clubs?
HUSBAND: No, she's left-handed.
WIFE: - - - silence - -
HUSBAND: F**k
New Security Alerts
The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombings, the level
has just been raised from 'miffed' to "peeved'! Soon though, the levels
may
be raised yet again to "irritated' or even "a bit cross". Londoners have
not been a "bit cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but
ran
out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "tiresome" to "a bloody
nuisance", The last time a "bloody nuisance" warning level was issued was
during the great fire in 1666.
Be aware that the French government announced yesterday that it has raised
its terror alert level from RUN to HIDE. The only two higher levels in
France are Surrender and Collaborate. The rise was precipitated by a recent
fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing
their military capability.
It's not only the French that are on a heightened level of alert, the
Italians have increased their alert level from "shout loudly and excitedly"
to "elaborate military posturing". Two more levels remain, "ineffective
combat operations" and "change sides".
The Germans also increased their alert state from "disdainful arrogance" to
"dress in uniform and sing marching songs". They have two higher levels,
"invade a neighbour" and "lose".
Seeing this reaction in continental Europe the Americans have gone from
"isolationism" to "find another oil-rich nation in the middle east ripe for
regime change". Their remaining higher alert states are "attack the world"
and "beg the British for help".
Finally over there in Britain they've gone from "pretend nothing's
happening", to "make another cup of tea". Their higher levels are "remain
resolutely cheerful" and "win".
If i got a report like this to mark, i'd give it 100%
http://www.cs.wisc.edu/~kovar/hall.html
Enjoy!
Subject: priceless
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The
bad
news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition,
which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure
creates
one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to
remove
the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live
for.
He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time
in
20
years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As
he
walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different
person.
He
could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need - a new
suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44
long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror,the salesman asked, "How about a
new
shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16-1/2 neck."
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How
about
some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure."
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see...size
36."
Joe laughed "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years
old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A 34 underwear
would
press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one
hell
of a headache."
New suit = $400
New shirt = $ 36
New underwear = $ 6
Second opinion PRICELESS
Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple
creatures?
Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care
of themselves Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be Prime Minister. You can never be
pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO
shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal. You never have to
drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You
don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same
work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character. People never stare at
your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is
practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One
mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act
of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be
your friend.
Your underwear is £5.00 for a three-pack. Three
pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems
in
public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your
face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe
decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. Your belly
usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for
all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do"
your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning
growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
Isn't being drunk great?
Things that are DIFFICULT to say when you are drunk
a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk...
a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate
Things that are COMPLETELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when
you're drunk...
a) Thanks for the offer, but I don't want to come back to your place.
b) Nope, no more beer for me, I've had enough.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.
k) Look, it would be great to sleep with you but I hardly know you.
l) That guy is looking at my wife but I am sure it's just because he
knows her or something. I'm not going to worry about it.
m) That chair looks wobbly and dangerous and I certainly wouldn't try
balancing on it with this short skirt on in case I fell off.
n) I must get to my bed as I could never have a really good sleep in
that hedge / pavement / skip.
o) I really believe in staying sober
p) I honestly don't think the rest of the city centre wants to see my
bare arse.
q) No... you aren't my bestest mate in the whole
world. I've only known you for a few hours.
r) I'm sure those young women are extremely intelligent and have
wonderful personalities.
s) I'm sure my feet would be damaged for life if I take my shoes off and
walk all the way home.
t) A cocktail followed by 4 tequilas.... surely that would be no good
for my insides.
u) me.. go for a pee in the men's toilet because
the ladies queue is too long? I don't think so.
v) I'll just have a big glass of water before I goto bed so I don't have
a hangover in the morning.
w) Of course I'm happy to pay the boundary charge,
driver.
x) There goes last orders, just make mine a coke.
y) Chip shop? No thanks; I'm on a low fat diet.
z) Flipping heck.
I feel compelled to add to the last section:
A1) Perhaps this text message I have just composed isn't the beautiful
apotheosis of love it seems to be, and perhaps I should wait until
tomorrow morning until I send it
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He
lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the
second half of his roundtrip ticket -- If he could just get to the
airport he could get himself home.
So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.
He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send
the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, and
his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.
The cabbie said (adopt appropriate accent), "If you don't have fifteen
dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to
hitch hike to the airport and barely caught his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain
his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big.
Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the
casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.
Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but
his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his
luck.
The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay
for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in
the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport?" he
asked.
"Fifteen bucks," came the reply.
"And how much for you to give me a B*J* on the way?"
"What?! Get the hell out of my cab."
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked
the same questions, with the same result.
When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and
asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen
bucks." The businessman said "Okay," and off they went.
Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman
gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.
Never let it be said that Airplane Ground
Crews and Engineers lack a sense of humour!!!
Here are some actual maintenance complaints generally known as
Squawks or problems submitted recently by Qantas Pilots to Maintenance
Engineers to fix prior to an aircraft's next flight.
After attending to the Squawks, the Maintenance Crews are required to log
the details of action taken as a Solution to the
Pilot's Squawks.
The following are some recent Squawks and
subsequent responses by the Maintenance Crews.
Legend:
(P) = The problem logged by the Pilot.
(S) = The Solution and/or action taken by
the Qantas Maintenance Engineers.
-----------------------------------
(P) Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tyre
(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough,
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft
(P) No.2 Propeller seeping prop fluid,
(S) No.2 Propeller seepage normal - 1 3 & 4 props
lack normal seepage.
(P) Something loose in cockpit
(S) Something tightened in cockpit
(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
(S) Evidence removed
(P) DME volume unbelievably loud
(S) Volume set to more believable level
(P) Dead bugs on windshield
(S) Live bugs on backorder
(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a
200 fpm descent
(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground
(P) IFF inoperative
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode
(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
(S) That's what they're there for!!
(P) Number three engine missing
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search
(P) Aircraft handles funny
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up,
"fly right" and be serious!!
(P) Target Radar hums
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words
The 1st joke of Xmas
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly
gates.
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess
something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.
You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, "They're bells". Saint Peter said you may pass
through the pearly gates.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally
pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just
what
do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "They're Carols".
DRINKING....
* Stage 1 - CLEVER: This is when you suddenly become an expert on
every subject in the known universe. You know you know everything and you
want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you
are always right. And, of course, the person you are talking to is very
wrong. This takes for an interesting argument when both parties are CLEVER.
* Stage 2 - ATTRACTIVE: This is when you realise that you are the most
ATTRACTIVE person in the entire bar and that everyone fancies you. You can
go up to a perfect stranger knowing that they fancy you and really want to
talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still CLEVER, so you can talk to this
person about any subject under the sun.
* Stage 3 - RICH: This is when you suddenly become the RICHEST person
in the room. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have a
bottomless wallet. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course
you are still CLEVER so, naturally, you will always win. Anyway, it doesn't
matter how much you bet because you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for
everyone that you fancy, in the knowledge that you are clearly the most
ATTRACTIVE person present.
* Stage 4 - INVINCIBLE: You are now ready to pick fights with anyone
and everyone, especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing.
This is because you are now INVINCIBLE. At this point you can also go up to
the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of
wits or strength. You have no fear of losing this battle, because as well as
being INVINCIBLE you are CLEVER, you're RICH and you're more ATTRACTIVE than
them anyway.
* Stage 5 - INVISIBLE: This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this
point you can do anything, because you are now INVISIBLE. You can dance on a
table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in
the room cannot see you. You can also snog the face off them for the same
reason. You are also INVISIBLE to the people who want to fight you. You can
walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can
see or hear you and because you're still CLEVER you know all the words.
AND NOW.......
Sobering Up....
* Stage 1 - STUPID : As you regain consciousness and begin to enjoy
the headache, the churning stomach and the cold sweats, you realise that you
have lost not only several hours of your life but also the ability to
concentrate on anything whatsoever. You are now STUPID and will remain so
for a minimum of 12 hours.
* Stage 2 - UGLY: Never entirely happy with the effects of the
bathroom mirror first thing (whatever hour that may be) you are horrified to
discover that you have now become even UGLIER than you previously thought
possible. Not only have you bloodshot eyes and a glorious collection of
spots and/or blemishes, but you are shaking so much that your grandfather
probably looks healthier. Unfortunately you are still too STUPID to know
better than to try and shave whilst shaking (it's a man thing..).
* Stage 3 - POOR: Having crawled out of bed and got dressed you are
about to scramble out the door when you discover that the money that was to
last you the week is now missing from your wallet. Being STUPID, you have no
idea what happened to it, but the traces of curry on your clothes allow the
possibility that you might have treated everyone to a takeaway at some
point. Alternatively your pocket could have been picked or you might have
given the taxi driver a twenty folded in a twenty by mistake. Rationalising
that you couldn't possibly have been that STUPID and that you would remember
being robbed, you come to believe that you were the only one who bought any
food or drinks all night and start to loathe all your friends.
* Stage 4 - FRAGILE : As you are now STUPID, UGLY and POOR, your
consequently FRAGILE, self-esteem plummets. Your already FRAGILE physical
condition ensures that you feel liable to shatter if anyone even speaks to
you.
* Stage 5 - CONSPICUOUS : This is the final stage of sobering up.
Unfortunately, everyone can spot this CONSPICUOUS condition and its cause
from a great distance. Even worse, they know that they can complete your
misery by making fun of you, and that you are too STUPID to retaliate, too
FRAGILE to hit them, too POOR to bribe them and too UGLY to hide!
Every day, a male co-worker walks up to a good looking lady standing at the coffee machine. He gets up very close to her, inhales a big breath of air and then tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this strange ritual, she decides that she can't stand it anymore and takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department. She informs the supervisor of personnel that she wants to file a sexual harassment complaint against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks," What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."
On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the
middle of nowhere, the following people are suddenly
stranded by, as you might expect, a shipwreck:
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
One month later on these same absolutely stunning
deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the
following things have occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the
Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living
happily together in a ménage-a-trois.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of
alternating visits with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the
Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the
endless ocean, and another long look at the Bulgarian
woman, and started swimming.
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting
instructions.
The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor
store, a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the
woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their
stores.
The two American men are contemplating the virtues of
suicide because the American woman keeps endlessly
complaining about her body; the true nature of
feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the
necessity of fulfilment; the equal division of
household chores; how sand and palm trees make her
look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion
and treated her nicer than they do; how her
relationship with her mother is improving and how at
least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.
The two English men are waiting for someone to
introduce them to the English woman.
The two Irish men have divided the island into North
and South and set up a distillery. They do not
remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort
of foggy after the first few litres of coconut
whiskey. But they're satisfied because at least the
English aren't having any fun.
Email me: chris (at) cjwareing dot net