- My web pages:
- Home
- Hiking and climbing
- Photo Gallery
- Humour
- External Links
- Comments
- Downloads
- Emma the cat!
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde
jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show
her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at
work,
she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the
task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint.
He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a
pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a parka and a leather jacket
at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is ok.
She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to
prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by
painting the house. He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather
jacket. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can
and
it said...
(I love this)
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS"
A Welshman, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck.
They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there a
while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch
the sun set. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful
cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for
romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the
Welshman.
Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the Welshman took his arm
from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but
there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the
Welshman had ever seen.
She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed
her back to health.
When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening
beach ritual.
It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and
gentle
breeze - perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the Welshman started to get "those feelings" again.
He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over
to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear ... "Would you
mind
taking the dog for a walk?"
ALL ARE WELCOME OPEN TO MEN ONLY
Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will
accept
a maximum of eight participants each. Sign up early and get a discount on
registration. The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course
include:
DAY ONE
HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation
TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practicing with hamper. Pictures and graphics.
THE AFTER DINNER DISHES & SILVERWARE - DO THEY LEVITATE AND FLY INTO
KITCHEN
SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.
LOSS OF VIRILITY:
Losing the remote control to your significant other Help line and support
groups
LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS, STARTING WITH LOOKING IN THE RIGHT PLACE
INSTEAD OF TURNING THE HOUSE UPSIDE DOWN WHILE SCREAMING.
Open forum
DAY TWO
EMPTY MILK CARTONS: DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play
HEALTH WATCH - BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH.
PowerPoint presentation
REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did.
IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation
LIVING WITH ADULTS: BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR WIFE
Online class and role playing
HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques
REMEMBERING BIRTHDAYS, ANNIVERSARIES, OTHER IMPORTANT DATES AND CALLING
WHEN
YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class
GETTING OVER IT. LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
http://193.151.73.87/games/lemmings/
A lonely older lady, aged 75, decided it was time to get married. She put a
want ad in the local paper that read: "HUSBAND WANTED. Must be in my age
group, must not beat me, must not run around on me, and must still be good
in bed! All applicants must apply in person."
On the second day of the ad she heard the doorbell ring. Much to her
dismay,
when she opened the door, there sat a man in a wheelchair. He had no arms
or
legs.
She asked sardonically "You're not expecting me to consider you, are you?
Just look at you----you have no legs!"
The old man smiled, "Therefore no chance to run around on you!"
She snorted, "You have no arms either!"
Again the old man smiled. "Nor can I beat you!"
The old lady raised her eyebrows and gazed at him intensely. "Are you still
good in bed?" she asked.
The old man smirked and said, "I rang the doorbell didn't I?"
A guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another guy and immediately
notices the guy has a very large Bic cigarette lighter. The first guy
says
"Wow, cool lighter... where did you get it?"
The guy replies "A genie from a bottle granted me one wish."
"Great, can I try it?"
"Sure." The first guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears.
"You are granted one wish" says the genie.
The guy says, "I want a million bucks!"
"Done" says the genie and disappears. A few minutes go by and suddenly
the
bar door swings open and pouring in come ducks. Thousands and thousands
of
ducks falling all over each other through the bar door.
"I can't believe this," says the guy who had just placed his wish, "I
asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"
The second guy then says, "Do you really think I wished for a 12" Bic?"
OBITUARY
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend by the name of Common
Sense, who has been with us for many years.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such value lessons as,
knowing
when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, and
that life isn't always fair.
Common Sense lived by a simple yet sound financial policy, (don't spend
more than you earn).
And reliable parenting strategies, (adults are in charge, not kids).
His health began to rapidly deteriorate when overbearing regulations
were
set in place.
Eg - A six-year old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a
classmate. Teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch.
And a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student.
His health declined even further when schools were required to get
parental consent to give aspirin to a student, but could not inform the
parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments
became
obsolete, churches became businesses, and criminals received better
treatment than their victims.
Common Sense finally gave up the ghost when a woman failed to realise
that
a steaming cup of coffee was indeed hot. She spilled a bit in her lap,
sued, and was awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust.
His wife Discretion.
His daughter, Responsibility. And his son, Reason.
He is survived by two stepbrothers, My Rights, and Ima Winner.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realised he was gone. If
you
still know him pass this on, if not join the majority and do nothing.
If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous
erudite scientist who said: ......."I woke up one morning and all of my
stuff had been stolen...and replaced by exact duplicates." His mind sees
things differently than we do, to our amazement and amusement. Here are
some of his gems:
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn
louder."
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
Best Dear John Letter EVER
A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John"
letterfrom his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:
Dear Ricky, I can no longer continue our relationship. The
distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have
cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to
either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I
sent to you. Love, Becky The
Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any
snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters,
ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of
Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had
collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that
envelope....along with this note: Dear Becky, I'm so
sorry, but I can't quite remember who the f*** you are. Please take
your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me. Take Care,
Ricky
ADVICE FOR TOURISTS" This wind-up article appeared recently in an American
magazine. By all accounts it was taken seriously by a lot of people...
MONEY The Brits have peculiar words for many things. Money is referred to
as "goolies" in slang, so you should for instance say "I'd love to come to
the pub but I haven't got any goolies." "Quid" is the modern word for what
was once called a "shilling" - the equivalent of seventeen cents American.
MAKING FRIENDS If you are fond of someone, you should tell him he is a
"great tosser"- he will be touched. The English are a notoriously tactile,
demonstrative people, and if you want to fit in you should hold hands with
your acquaintances and tossers when you walk down the street.
CUSTOMS Since their Labour government whole heartedly embraced full union
with Europe the Brits have been attempting to adopt certain continental
customs, such as the large midday meal followed by a two or three hour
siesta, which they call a "wank." As this is still a fairly new practice in
Britain, it is not uncommon for people to oversleep (alarm clocks, alas, do
not work there due to the magnetic pull from Greenwich). If you are late
for supper, simply apologise and explain that you were having a wank -
everyone will understand and forgive you.
RELAXING One of the most delightful ways to spend an afternoon in Oxford or
Cambridge is gliding gently down the river in one of their flat-bottomed
boats, which you propel using a long pole. This is known as "cottaging."
Many of the boats (called "yer-i-nals") are privately owned by the
colleges, but there are some places that rent them to the public by the
hour. Just tell a professor or policeman that you are interested in doing
some cottaging and would like to know where the public yerinals are. The
poles must be treated with vegetable oil to protect them from the water, so
it's a good idea to buy a can of Mazola and have it on you when you ask
directions to the yerinals. That way people will know you are an
experienced cottager.
When the bill for your meal comes it will show a suggested amount. Pay
whatever you think is fair, unless you plan to dine there again, in which
case you should simply walk out; the restaurant host will understand that
he should run a tab for you.
TRANSPORTATION Public taxis are subsidized by the Her Majesty's Government.
A taxi ride in London costs two pounds, no matter how far you travel. If a
taxi driver tries to overcharge you, you should yell "I think not, you
charlatan!", then grab the nearest policeman (bobby) and have the driver
disciplined.
It is rarely necessary to take a taxi, though, since bus drivers are
required to make detours at patrons' requests. Just board any bus, pay your
fare of thruppence (the heavy gold-colored coins are "pence"), and state
your destination clearly to the driver, e.g.: "Please take me to the
British Library." A driver will frequently try to have a bit of harmless
fun by pretending he doesn't go to your requested destination. Ignore him,
as he is only teasing the American tourist (little does he know you're not
so ignorant!).
For those travelling on a shoestring budget, the London Tube may be the
most economical way to get about, especially if you are a woman. Chivalry
is alive and well in Britain, and ladies still travel for free on the Tube.
Simply take some tokens from the baskets at the base of the escalators or
on the platforms; you will find one near any of the state-sponsored Tube
musicians.
Once on the platform, though, beware! Approaching trains sometimes disturb
the large Gappe bats that roost in the tunnels. The Gappes were smuggled
into London in the early 19th century by French saboteurs and have proved
impossible to exterminate. The announcement "Mind the Gappe!" is a signal
that you should grab your hair and look towards the ceiling. Very few
people have ever been killed by Gappes, though, and they are considered
only a minor drawback to an otherwise excellent means of transportation.
AIRPORTS One final note: for preferential treatment when you arrive at
Heathrow airport, announce that you are a member of Shin Fane (an
international Jewish peace organization-the "shin" stands for "shalom").
As savvy travellers know, this little white lie will assure you priority
treatment as you make your way through customs. Safe travels and Bon
Voyage!
The Boss asked Martin Ethlebridge for a letter describing Bob Smith: -
Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found hard at work in his
cubicle. Bob works independently, without wasting company time talking to
colleagues. Bob never thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he
always finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee breaks. Bob is a
dedicated individual who has absolutely no vanity in spite of his high
accomplishments and profound knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that
Bob can be classed as a high-calibre employee, the type that cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob is promoted to
executive management, and a proposal will be executed as soon as possible.
Signed Project Leader
A FOLLOW- UP MEMO WAS SOON SENT FOLLOWING THE LETTER (as follows): ...That
idiot (Bob) was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report I sent to
you earlier today. Kindly read ONLY the odd numbered lines (1, 3, 5, etc.)
for my true assessment of him. Regards.
Australian Bricklayer Report
Possibly the funniest story in a long while. This is a bricklayer's
accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian
equivalent of the Worker's Compensation board. This is a true story. Had
this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin award for sure...........
Dear Sir,
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in
block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause
of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the
following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working
alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work,
I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were
found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs. Rather than carry the bricks
down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley,
which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out
and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope,
holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.
You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh
135lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly,
I
lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to
say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now
proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the
fractured skull, minor abrasions and broken collar bone, as listed in
section 3 of the accident report form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until
the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able
to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the
ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight
of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50lbs. I refer you
again to my weight.
As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the
building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming
up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several
lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change
slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to
lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately
only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in
pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and
let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its
journey back down to me. This explains the two broken legs.
I hope this answers your inquiry
16 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN:
by Dave Barry, Nationally Syndicated Columnist
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on
the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has
not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would
be
"meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never
want
you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. (I wish I
had!)
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling
reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests
that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging
from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make
a
big deal about your birthday. That time is age 21.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender,
religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside,
we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice
person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
14. Your friends love you anyway.
15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur
built
the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
16. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine . . . They start out as
grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they
turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk... a) Innovative b)
Preliminary c) Proliferation d) Cinnamon
Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk... a) Specificity
b) British Constitution c) Passive-aggressive disorder d) Transubstantiate
Things that are DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE to say
when you're drunk... a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you. b)
Nope, no more booze for me. c) Sorry, but you're not really my type. d) No
kebab for me, thank you. e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out
tonight? f) I'm not interested in fighting you. g) Oh, I just couldn't -
no one wants to hear me sing. h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt
to dance, I have zero co-ordination. i) Where is the nearest toilet? I
refuse to vomit in the street. j) I must be going home now as I have work
in the morning.
Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation
took place:
First guy : "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out
fishing this weekend.I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room
in the house next weekend."
Second guy : "That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build
her a new deck for the pool."
Third guy : "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I
will remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a
word.
So they asked him."You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be
able to come fishing this weekend.
What's the deal?"
Fourth guy : "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off
my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said,"Fishing or Sex" and she said,
"wear sun-block."
A young couple were making passionate love in the guy's van (you know, shag
carpets, big double mattress in the back... all that) when suddenly the
girl being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh big boy, whip me, whip
me!" The guy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did
not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the
window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip the girl until
they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy.
About a week later, the girl notices that the marks left by the whipping
session are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor.
The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks "Did you get these marks
having sex ?"
The girl is a little embarrassed but admits that, yes, she did. Nodding his
head knowingly the doctor exclaims,
"I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring
Here it comes here it comes
you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen."
21 things you can only get away with saying at Christmas
1. I prefer breasts to legs
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. Smother the butter all over the breasts!
4. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5. I've never seen a better spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry; do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you put it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18. That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning
20. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more!
21. I do like a good stuffing.
A stewardess was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man
approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his coat
and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your
ticket, not your stub."
Snappy Answer No. 2 A lady was picking through the frozen chickens at the
supermarket, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked the
shelf stacker, "Do these chickens get any bigger?" He replied, "No ,
they're dead."
Snappy Answer No. 3 The policeman got out of his car and the lad who was
stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all
day," the policeman said. The lad replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast
as I could." When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the lad
on his way without a ticket.
Snappy Answer No. 4 A truck driver was driving along. A sign comes up that
reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of
him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The policeman gets out of his car and walks
around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got
stuck?" The truck driver says, "No mate, I was delivering this bridge and
ran out of petrol."
And finally No. 5, THE TEACHER Snappy Answer OF THE YEAR A university
lecturer reminds her students of tomorrow's final exam. "Now, I won't
tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a
nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your
immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever! ". A
smart-arse bloke in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What
would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter
sexual exhaustion?". The entire class does its best to stifle their
laughter. When silence is restored, the lecturer smiles sympathetically at
the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I suppose you'd have
to write the exam with your other hand.
Hard to believe, but another year has passed. Once again, it's time
for the Darwin Award Nominees. The Darwin's are awarded every year to
the persons who died in the most stupid manner, thereby removing
themselves from the gene pool. This year's nine nominees are:
Nominee No. 1: [San Jose Mercury News]: An unidentified man, using a
shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield,
accidentally
shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.
Nominee No. 2: [Kalamazoo Gazette]: James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of
Alamo, MI, was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police
describe as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a
highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the
source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something,
however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."
Nominee No. 3: [Hickory Daily Record]: Ken Charles Barger, 47,
accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, NC.
Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he
reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson 38 Special,
which discharged when he drew it to his ear. (For whatever reason,
residents of Southern states always seem to
figure prominently among the Darwin nominees.)
Nominee No. 4: [UPI, Toronto]: Police said a lawyer demonstrating the
safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a
pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police
spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto
Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the
strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy
previously has conducted demonstrations of window strength according
to police reports. Peter Lawson, managing partner of the firm Holden
Day, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and
brightest" members of the 200-man association. (Nice to see another
Canadian province getting into the awards.... The Maritimes always
have been heavily involved.)
Nominee No. 5: [Bloomberg News Service]: A terrible diet and a room
with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed
by his own gas emissions. There was no mark on his body, and an
autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet
had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other
things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that
the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was
hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been
opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut up in his
nearly airtight bedroom. According to the article, "He was a big man
with a huge capacity for creating "this deadly gas." Three of the
rescuers got sick, and one was hospitalized.
Nominee No. 6: [The News of the Weird]: Michael Anderson Godwin made
News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting
South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having
his sentence reduced to life in prison. While sitting on a metal
toilet in his cell
attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was
electrocuted.
(South Carolina entrants are always perennial favorites.)
Nominee No. 7: [The Indianapolis Star]: A cigarette lighter may have
triggered a fatal explosion in Dunkirk, IN. A Jay County man, using
a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader, was killed
Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's
investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents'
rural Dunkirk home at about 11:30 PM. Investigators said Pryor was
cleaning a 54-caliber muzzleloader that had not been firing properly.
He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder
ignited.
Nominee No. 8: [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario]: A man cleaning a
bird feede on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this
Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. Stefan Macko,
55, was standing on a wheeled chair when the accident occurred, said
Inspector D'Arcy Honer of the Peel Regional Police. "It appears that
the chair moved, and he went over the balcony," Honer said. (Another
Ontario entry.... I wonder if people are moving there from the
Maritime Provinces.)
Finally, THE WINNER!!!: [Arkansas Democrat Gazette]: Two local men
were injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near
Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday. Woodruff County deputy
Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday.
Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock,
were returning to Des Arc after a frog gigging trip on an overcast
Sunday night when Poole's pickup truck headlights malfunctioned.
The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older-model
truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis
noticed that the .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into
the fuse box next to the steering-wheel column. Upon inserting the
bullet the headlights again began to operate properly, and the two men
proceeded on eastbound toward the White River Bridge.
After traveling approximately 20 miles, and just before crossing the
river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged, and struck Poole in
the
testicles. The vehicle swerved sharply right, exiting the pavement,
and striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from
the
accident, but will require extensive surgery to repair the damage to
his testicles, which will never operate as intended. Wallis sustained
a broken clavicle and was treated and released.
"Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls
off, or we might both be dead," stated Wallis. "I've been a trooper for 10
years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't
believe
that those two would admit how this accident happened," said Snyder.
Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia (Poole's wife) asked how
many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the
truck???
(Though Poole and Wallis did not die as a result of their misadventure as
normally required by Darwin Award Official Rules, it can be argued that
Poole DID, in fact, effectively remove himself from the gene pool.
The three Wise Men arrived in Bethlehem, and went to the stable where Mary
and Joseph were with their new-born baby. The first two entered without
incident, but the third one tripped over the doorstep. "Jesus Christ!" he
cried out. And Mary said: "Hmmm, that's a nice name. I was going to call
him Eric."
Christmas tale to warm your hearts...
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to
processall the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day just before Christmas, a letter landed on his desk, simply addressed
in shaky handwriting to "God". With no other clue on the envelope, he
opened the letter and read,
"Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow living on the State pension. Yesterday someone
stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had in the
world and no pension due until after Christmas.
Next week is Christmas and I had invited two of my friends over for Xmas
dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no
family to turn to, and you are my only hope. God; can you please help me?"
The postal worker was really touched, and put a copy of the letter up on the
Staff Notice board, at the main sorting office where he worked. The letter
touched the other postmen and they all dug into their pockets and had a whip
round. Between them they raised £96.
Using an official franked Post Office envelope, they sent the cash on to the
old lady, and for the rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow
thinking of the nice thing they had done.
Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter simply addressed
to "God" landed in the Sorting Office. Many of the postmen gathered around
while the letter was opened.
It read,
"Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your
generosity, I was able to provide a lovely dinner for my friends. We had a
very nice day, and I told my friends of your wonderful gift - in fact we
haven't got over it and our Vicar is beside himself with joy.
By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving
bastards at the Post Office."
In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower, and
spinach, with green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so
Man
and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Haagen Das Ice Cream
and Magnums. And Satan said: "You want hot fudge with that?" And Man
said: "Yes!" And Woman said: "I'll have one too ...with sprinkles."
And lo they gained 10 pounds.
And God created the healthful yoghurt that Woman might keep the
figure
that Man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from
the
cane, and combined them. And Woman went from size 2 to size 14.
So God said: "Try my fresh green garden salad."
And Satan presented crumbled Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons
on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the
repast.
God said " Here is fresh fruit and brown sugar, to satisfy your sweet
tooth"
. And Satan showed us how to make them in to a pudding (or cake) that
we didn't really ever want or like, but we all eat at the end of the
meal,
at Christmas time, for the sake of tradition.
God then said: "I have sent your heart - healthy vegetables and olive
oil in which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth deep-fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped
lobster chunks, and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own
platter. And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming
with potassium and good nutrition.
Then Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy
centre
into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious
quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds.
God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose
those extra pounds.
And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would
not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and
cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging
suits.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and
still satisfy his appetite.
And Satan created McDonald's and the .99 pence double cheeseburger.
Then Satan said: "You want fries with that?"
And Man replied: "Yes! And super size 'em!" And Satan said:
"It is good." And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed...and created quadruple by-pass surgery.
And then...Satan chuckled and created the National Health
Service........
Two Priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.
They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything
that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really
outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb.
They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the
scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" topless blonde in a thong bikini came
walking straight towards them.
They couldn't help but stare.
As the blonde passed them she smiled and said "Good Morning, Father. Good
Morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually; then
she passed on by.
They were both stunned ...
How in the world did she know they we're Priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more
outrageous outfits.
These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them.
Once again, in their new attire, they settled on the beach in their chairs
to enjoy the sunshine.
After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a string bikini,
taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.
Again she nodded at each of them, aid "Good morning, Father. Good morning,
Father," and started to walk away.
One of the Priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute
young lady.."
"Yes, Father?" , she said.
"We are Priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did
you know we are Priests, dressed as we are?"
"Father, it's me, Sister Margaret." she replied.
Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work dressed accordingly to your salary.
If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume
you
are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you
dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so
that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore do not need a raise. If
you
dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore
do not need a raise.
Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If
you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturday and Sunday.
Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a
strict
three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of the three minutes,
an
alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door
will
open and a picture will be taken.
After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company
bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught
smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental
health
policy!
Lunch Break
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that
they can look
healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced
meal to
maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch,
because that's all the time needed
to drink a slim fast. Thank you for your loyalty to our company.
We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all
questions, comments,concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations,
aggravations,insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations,
consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
The Management.
THE RURAL AUSTRALIAN THESAURUS OF COMPUTER TERMINOLOGY
*Log Off - Don't add any more wood
* Monitor - Keeping an eye on the barbecue
* Download - Get the firewood off the ute
* Hard drive - trip back home without any cold tinnies
* Floppy Disc - What you get lifting too much firewood at once
* Keyboard - where you hang the ute and bike keys
* Window - What you shut when it's cold
* Screen - What you shut in the mosquito season
* Byte - What mosquitoes do
* Bit - What mosquitoes did
* Mega Byte - What Townsville mosquitoes do
* Chip - A bar snack
* Micro Chip - What's left in the bag after you have eaten the chips
* Modem - What you did to the lawns
* Dot Matrix - Old Dan Matrix's wife
* Laptop - Where the cat sleeps
* Software - Plastic knives and forks you get at Big Rooster
* Hardware - Real stainless steel knives and forks from K Mart
* Mouse - What eats the grain in the shed
* Mainframe - What holds the shed up
* Web - What spiders make
* Web Site - The shed or under the verandah
* Cursor - The old bloke who swears a lot
* Search Engine - What you do when the ute won't go
* Yahoo - what you say when the ute does go
* Upgrade - A steep hill
* Server - The person at the pub that brings out the counter lunch
* Mail Server - The bloke at the pub that brings out the counter lunch
* User - The neighbour who keeps borrowing things
* Network - When you have to repair your fishing net
* Internet - Complicated fish net repair method
* Netscape - When fish manoeuvres out of reach of net
* Online - When you get the laundry hung out
* Off Line - When the pegs don't hold the washing up
Here are the winnners of the M-LAW competition for wackiest warning
label of the year:
1st prize
Do not use for personal hygiene =96 on a toilet brush
2nd prize
This product moves when used =96 from a child=92s scooter
Previous winners have included:
* Remove child before folding =96 on a baby=92s buggy
* Once used rectally, the thermometer should not be used orally -
on a digital thermometer
* Never remove food or other items from the blades while the
product is operating - on an electric hand blender
* Harmful if swallowed =96 on a three-pronged brass fishing lure.
* Do not use this product as a toy, pillow, or flotation device -
on a bag of air used as a packing material
* Do not use as a ladder =96 on a 30cm tall CD rack
* Never iron clothes while they are being worn - on a household
iron
* Do not use the Silence Feature in emergency situations. It will
not extinguish a fire - on a smoke detector
* Do not eat toner - on a laser printer cartridge
* And on a pair of cyclist=92s shin guards =96 Shin pads cannot protect
any part of the body they do not cover.
A recent magazine survey, interviewed fifty bartenders and they were asked
if they could identify a customer's personality on what drinks they
ordered.
Although interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.
The results:
IF WOMEN DRINK....
Beer
Personality: Casual, low maintenance; down to earth.
Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Cocktails or Blender drinks with umbrella
Personality: Flaky, annoying, dizzy, and a pain in the ass.
Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.
Mixed drinks - no umbrellas e.g.; Scotch and soda
Personality: Mature, has picky taste; knows what she wants
Approach: If she wants you, she'll send YOU a drink.
Water
Personality: Pretentious and is looking for a serious relationship.
Approach: Don't.
Wine - (bottled, not 4 litre cask)
Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Approach: Try and weave Paris and clothing into the conversation.
Bacardi Breezer, Red Square, Archers Cooler, Smirnoff Ice, etc
Personality: Easy; thinks she is trendy and sophisticated actually has
absolutely no clue.
Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is... and you're in.
Cape Velvet
Personality: Annoying voice, bit of a tart.
Approach: Stand close and mention the alley next to the pub.
Shots and Slammers (Tequila, Vodka, Aftershock etc.)
Personality: Hangs around with male work pals or looking to get drunk and
naked.
Approach: Easiest hit in the pub. Nothing to do but wait.
IF MEN DRINK... (As always, very simple and clear cut.)
Cider:
He's probably under-aged and wants to get laid.
Cheap Domestic Beer:
He's poor/student and wants to get laid.
Premium Local Beer:
He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer:
He's old; he likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Guinness:
The man is a rapist and will get laid one way or another.
Water:
He just threw up and is trying to wash the taste out of his mouth so that
he can still get laid.
Wine:
He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image and
help him get laid.
Vodka or Brandy:
Extremely horny hound, would shag a warm scarf. Desperate to get laid.
Port:
Thinks he's sophisticated, secretly likes men and wants to get laid.
Whisky:
He doesn't give two $hits about anything and will hit anyone who will get
in his way of getting laid.
Jack Daniels:
Not as masculine as the whisky drinker, knows all about feminine activities
(knitting, crochet etc.) to weasel himself into getting laid.
Rum or Tequila:
Likes fighting almost as much as getting laid.
Bacardi Breezer, Red Square, Archers Cooler, Smirnoff Ice, etc:
He's gay (blatantly) - don't turn your back or pick up any dropped change.
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take
the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the
Testimonials of a few people who did....
FIRST TESTIMONY: I walked into a hair salon with my husband and
three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a
shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never
went back.
My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY: I was at the golf store comparing different
kinds
of golf balls I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After
browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the
good-looking
gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.
Without
thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's
balls."
THIRD TESTIMONY: My sister and I were at the mall and passed by
a
store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the
display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help I
replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts.." My sister started to
laugh
hysterically. The boy grinned...and I turned beet-red and walked
away.
To this day, my Sister has never let me forget.
FOURTH TESTIMONY: While in line at the bank one afternoon, my
toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was
finally
able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance
from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving
"right
now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye
and
said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now,
I
will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The
silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the
tellers
stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and
walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard
when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.
FIFTH TESTIMONY: Have you ever asked your child a question too
many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty
training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell
for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full
dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of
course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then
I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked
him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking, "Oh Lord,
that child has
had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said,
"Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I
just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was
getting
worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an
accident?"
This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and sprea d
his
cheeks and yelled, "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly
choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants
and
sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the
best
laugh they'd ever had!
LAST TESTIMONY: This had most of the state of Michigan
laughing
for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the
future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict
snow
but don't get any....a true story.. We had a female news anchor who,
the
day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the
weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me
last
night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did
too
they were laughing so hard!
Copy of e-mail received by B&Q customer services:
Dear Sir/Madam
My congratulations to you on getting a yacht to leave the UK on 28th
November 2004, sail 27,354 miles around the world andarrive back 72 days
later.
Could you please let me know when the kitchen I ordered 96 days ago will be
arriving from your warehouse 13 miles away?
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.
In fact, just f**k off and leave me alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt
and a flat tyre.
3. The darkest hour is just before dawn. So if you're going to
steal your neighbour's milk, that's the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting
any.
5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted.
6. No one is listening until you fart.
7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try
missing a couple of mortgage payments.
10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their
shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have
their shoes.
11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to
fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
13. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it.
14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that
comes from bad judgment.
18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and
put it back in your pocket.
19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark
side, and it holds the universe together.
21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one
works.
22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are
moving.
23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need
it.
A guy with a black eye boards his plane and sits down in his seat. He =
notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too. He =
says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind =
if I ask how you got yours?" The other guy says, "Well, it just =
happened. It was a tongue twister accident.
See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most =
massive breasts in the world was there So, instead of saying, 'I'd like =
two tickets to Pittsburgh', I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets =
to Tittsburgh'..........So she socked me a good one."
The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue =
twister too. I was at the breakfast table this morning and I wanted to =
say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.' But I =
accidentally said, 'you ruined my life you fat evil slag'."
A woman rushes home, bursting through the front door of her house =
yelling to her husband , "Pack your bags baby, I just won the lottery! =
All =A310,000,000...."
"Woooohooo!!!! That's great sweetie" he replies. "Do I pack for the =
beach or the mountains?"
Who cares", she replies, "Just f**k off!"
Email me: chris (at) cjwareing dot net