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Here's a dilemma for you....What would you do?
This test only has one question, but it's a very
important
one. Please don't answer it without giving it some serious thought.
By giving an honest answer you will be able to test
where
you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely
fictional situation, where you will have to make a decision one way or
the
other. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.
Please scroll down slowly and consider each
line.
This is important for the test to work accurately.
You're in Florida...In Miami, to be exact... There is
great
chaos all around you caused by a hurricane and severe floods.
You
are a CNN photographer and you are in the middle of this
great
disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot
very impressive photos. There are houses and people floating around you,
disappearing into the water. Nature is showing all its destructive power
and is
ripping
everything away with it. Suddenly you see a man in the water. He
is fighting for
his
life, trying not to be taken away by the masses of water and
mud.
You move closer. Somehow the man looks familiar. Then
you
recognize him. You know who he is. It's George W. Bush! At
the same time you notice that the raging waters are
about
to take him away, forever. You have two options. You can save
him
or you can take the best photo of your life. You can save the life
of George W. Bush, or you can
shoot a
Pulitzer Prize-winning photo, a unique photo depicting the
death
of one of the world's most powerful men.
And here's the question...
...please give an honest answer...
Would you select colour film or just go with the
simplicity
of classic black and white ?
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would
have produced
enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough
gas is
produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out
to the body to squirt blood 30 feet...
(O.M.G.!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it
starves to
death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an
hour.
(Do not try this at home........ maybe at work.)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is
attached to
its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head
off.
; ("Honey, I'm home. What the......?!")
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a
human jumping
the length of a football field.
(30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over
quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm........)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer
than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing....)
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer...)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for
pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the
sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,
"Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you
one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the
enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to
reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It
will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard
for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time
and think of something that would honour and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish
that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what
she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what
she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly
happy."
The Lord replied,
"You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
Her side vs His Side - Relationship Problem
Her side of the story:
He was in an odd mood Saturday night. We planned to meet at a pub for a
drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it
might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised, but
he didn't say anything much about it.
The conversation was very slow going so I thought we should go off
somewhere more intimate so we could talk a bit more privately. We went
to
this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny.
I tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or
something else. I asked him, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure.
So anyway, in the car on the way back home, I said that I loved him
deeply and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the hell
that meant because you know he didn't say it back or anything, this is
really worrying me.
We finally got back home and I was wondering if he was going to leave
me!
So I tried to get him to talk but he just switched on the TV, and sat
with a distant look in his eyes that seemed to say its all over between
us.
Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed. Then after about 10
minutes, he joined me and to my surprise, he responded to my advances
and
we made love. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I
just wanted to confront him but I just cried myself to sleep.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I really think he's
seeing
someone else and that my life is a disaster.
His Side of the Story:
England lost. Got a shag though.
An adorable little girl, all blonde curls and blue eyes, walks into a pet
shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you
keep widdle wabbits?" The shopkeeper's heart melts and he gets down on
his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a widdle
white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute
widdle bwown wabby over there?" She, blushing, rocks on her heels, puts
her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice;
"I don't fink my python weally gives a phuck."
Corporate Lesson 1
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the
road.
He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and
reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun looked
at him and immediately said, "Father, remember Psalm129?"
The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced
himself to
remove his hand. Changing gear, he let his hand slide up her
leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
Once again the priest apologized: "Sorry sister but the flesh
is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful
glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest
rushed to retrieve
a bible and looked up Psalm 129.
It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story:
Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great
opportunity.
Corporate Lesson 2
A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are
walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a
Genie
comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three
wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."
Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in
the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."
Poof! She's gone.
In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I
want to be in
Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an
endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life."
Poof! He's gone.
OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after
lunch."
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Corporate Lesson 3
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.
A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit
like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
All of a sudden a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very
high up.
Corporate Lesson 4
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing
up her shower when the doorbell rings.
After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and
answer
the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a
towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the
next
door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop
that towel that you have on."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and
stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves.
Confused, but
excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the
towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the
shower,
Who was that?"
It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the
husband says,
Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Corporate Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to
get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the
energy."
Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied
the bull.
They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of
dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the
lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the
second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at
the top of the tree.
Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who promptly shot the turkey
out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Corporate Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold
the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field.
While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung
on it.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began
to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay
there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile
of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Moral of the story:
Not everyone who sh*ts on you is your enemy; Not everyone who
gets you out of sh*t is your friend; and
When you're in deep sh*t, it's best to keep your mouth shut.
RED SKELTON'S -TIPS FOR A HAPPY MARRIAGE
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little
beverage,
good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Calif. and mine is in
Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere.....but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I
haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread
maker.
She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I
bought
her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was
water in
the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me "In the
lake."
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud
fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the
garbage?"
The driver said "No, jump in!"
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was
Always.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to
interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked "What's on the
TV?" I said "Dust!"
Steve wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open
his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a
glass
of
water on the nightstand.
He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and
pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect
order,
spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: "Honey,
breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast
and
the morning newspaper. His daughter is also at the table, eating.
Steve
asks, "what happened last night?"
His daughter says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and
delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave
yourself
a
black eye when you stumbled into the door."
Confused, Steve asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean,
and
breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His daughter replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and
when she tried to take your pants off, you said,
"Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"
a self-induced hangover - $100.00
broken furniture - $200.00
breakfast - $10.00
saying the right thing - priceless
A man walks into a restaurant and orders squid.
"Certainly Sir," says Jervaise the waiter, "Would you like to choose your
squid from the tank over there?"
"I'll have that little green one with the moustache" says the customer.
"Oh no!" replies Jervaise "but he's my favourite! - He's so small and cute
and friendly. Surely you'd prefer one of the bigger, meatier ones?"
"No" says the customer "It's got to be that one". So Jervaise gets the
little green squid out and puts him on the chopping block, raises his knife
and... the little squid looks up and smiles, twitching his bushy moustache
into a big friendly grin!
"It's no good", says Jervaise, "I can't do it. I'll have to ask Hans who
does the washing up. He's a big, tough brute - he'll be able to do the evil
deed."
So out comes Hans, while Jervaise disappears off in tears. Hans picks up
the
knife, raises it to chop the little squid's head off and... once again the
little friendly squid looks up and smiles, wiggling his little legs and
twitching his little moustache. So Hans, too, finds it impossible to kill
him.
The moral?
...
Scroll down
...
...
...
Hans that does dishes is as soft as Jervaise with mild green hairy-lip
squid
A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the
heaviest chemical element yet known to science. The new element has been
named "Governmentium". Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons,
75 deputy neutrons, and 111 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic
mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are
surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since
governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as
it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount
of governmentium causes one reaction to take over 4 days to complete when
it
would normally take less than a second.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years; it does not decay,
but
instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant
neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, governmentium's mass
will actually increase over time, since each reorganization causes some
morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of
moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that governmentium is
formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This
hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass".
There was a midget down in Texas whose testicles hurt and ached almost all
the time. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem.
The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look.
The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining
table and started examining him. He put one finger under his left testicle
and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check
for a hernia. "Aha!" mumbled the doc and, as he put his finger under the
right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor
again and reached for his surgical scissors.
Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side, then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left
side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with
amazement that the snipping did not hurt.
The doctor then told him to walk around the examining room to see if his
testicles still hurt.
The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his
testicles were no longer aching. The doctor said, "How does that feel now?"
The midget said, "Perfect, Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you
do?"
"I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots," replied the doctor.
Applications are invited for the above posts in one of the UK's most
exciting and vibrant teaching hospitals. The posts have become vacant due
to
the fact the unique working environment means a high risk of being sacked
for misconduct or dying in the unusually frequent violent events that
happen
in the Trust catchment area. Trainees will have their rotation in a busy
Accident and Emergency Department that has surprisingly few SHOs, SpRs that
have been there for years with no hint of rotating anywhere and only one
Consultant. Despite this understaffing there are rarely patients seen
waiting on trolleys in corridors. There is an experienced nursing team that
is a stereotypical mixture of dragon-like sisters and highly attractive
staff nurses. The rota is currently vague and non-descript and the Trust is
committed to fighting the European Working Time Directive to keep it this
way. There will be ample exposure to all presentations of common illnesses,
plus some of the rarest stuff known to medicine that you will be expected
to
diagnose instantly in your first week or whenever the Consultant is
struggling. Experience will also be gained in major incident management -
currently there is one a year in the Holby area.
The second part of the rotation will see the successful applicants joining
a
fast moving, high paced surgical team which tends to only deal with the
biggest most complicated surgical cases. There will be neglible exposure to
simple and common things such as appendicitis, hernias and haemorrhoids, so
surgical trainees are expected to have filled their portfolios with these
items at a boring old hospital in another part of the country. Applicants
should be aware that most patients undergoing surgery in Holby City have
unresolved family issues and experience in bringing families together at
the
last minute with words of wisdom beyond your years would be desirable.
Moral
and ethical debates take place weekly however, and the ability to stir
these
up is considered essential.
In both parts of the rotation the candidate will not be required to
complete
audit as it will be expected you will be too busy sorting out your personal
problems and audit is tedious at the best of times, let alone in somewhere
as vibrant as Holby City. Although Holby City NHS Trust is an equal
opportunity employer offically, we will only accept applications from
highly
attractive people with loose morals. Males should preferably have a jaw
chiselled from granite and have done part time modelling, and females
should
only apply if they are good looking enough to grace the cover of FHM.
Married people WILL be considered owing to the endless opportunities to
commit adultery in both departments. The Postgraduate Dean confirms that
this placement and/or programme has the required educational and dean's
approval. No hospital accomodation is available but applicants will be
housed in trendy open plan loft coversions in the most desirable location
of
the city.
Interested applicants should send 3 copies of their CV, complete with 3
referees and at least 2 deepest, darkest secrets, to the Personnel
Department. Tours of the Accident and Emergency Department are possible.
Please contact Mr. C. Fairhead on ext. 6969 to arrange a suitable time. The
closing date is 31st July 2004. However applications will be accepted after
this as there are always vacancies regardless of the time of year. The
Trust
has a
no-smoking-inside-the-building-but-can-smoke-outside-when-something-bad-happ
ens policy.
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their
bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She
finds
him
sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches
as
he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room,
"Why
are
you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago
when
we
were dating, and you were only 16 ?" he asks solemnly.
"Yes I do" she replies.
The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember
when
your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?";
"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside
him.
The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved his police
shotgun
in my
face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to
jail
for
20 years?"
"I remember that too" she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said ......"I would have got
out
today."
There were two nuns...
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),
and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for
the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes
at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only
logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and
I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is
worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened.
The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run
as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do.
I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do.
He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man
with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,
say two Hail Marys!
Subject: IR -Fantastic This was in The
Guardian 27/9/03 Dear Mr Addison, I am writing to
you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest
communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise.
I will address them, as ever, in order. Firstly, I must take
issue with your description of our last as a "begging letter". It might
perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand". This is how we,
at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy;
traditionally referred to such documents. Secondly, your
frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining
and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat"
has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other
letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being
from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and pissant
gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to
the toilet in case of emergencies is at best a little ill-advised.
In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of
these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin or, come to that, a
"sodding charity". More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain,
with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a
whole. Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some
spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore
up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a
moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion
that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole
damned party" yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's
disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are,
in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is
spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing whores"
whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example,
"that box-ticking facade of a university system." A couple of
technical points arising from direct queries: 1. The reason we
don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to do with the vagaries
of the postal system; 2. You can rest assured that "sucking the
very marrows of those with nothing else to give" has never been
considered as a practice because even if the Personal Allowance didn't
render it irrelevant, the sheer medical logistics involved would make
it financially unviable. I trust this has helped. In the
meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision
one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose to
"give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India" you would still
owe us the money. Please forward it by Friday. Yours
Sincerely, H J Lee Customer Relations
An Irishman, an Englishman, and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The view
was
fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional.
"Y'know", said the Scot, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow
there's a little bar called McTavish's where the owner will buy your 5th
drink after you buy 4."
"Well" said the Englishman, "at my local, the Red Lion, the barman there
will buy your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."
"Ahhh that's nothing" said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's
Ryan's bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a
drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough
they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."
The Englishman and the Scot immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's
claims. He swears every word is true.
"Well" said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"
"No, not me personally," said the Irishman. "But it did happen to me
sister".
The moral of this is, always be warey of translators! :o) You never know what you're saying.
Go to www.google.com and click on the Language Tools link to the right of
the search field.
Using the translate text box, translate "my mom is nice and cool" from
English to Spanish.
Now copy the Spanish words, paste THEM into the translate box, and
translate
Spanish to English.
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington
Chemistry mid-term exam. The answer by one student was so "profound" that
the
Proffessor shared it with colleages, via the internet, which is why we now
have
the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs
heat)?
Most students wrote proofs of their beleifs using Boyle's Law, gas cools
off
when it expands and heats up when it is compressed, or some variant.
One student, however wrote the following;
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing over time. So we
need
to know how many souls are moving into Hell, and the rate they are leaving.
I
think we can safely say that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.
Therefore no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
religions
that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if your
are
not a member of their religion you will go to Hell. Since there is more
than
one religion, and since people do not belong to more that one religion, we
can
project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls
in
Hell to increase expotentially. Now we look at the rate of change in the
volume
in Hell. Because Boyles law states that, in order for the temperature and
pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume in Hell has to expand
proportionately as the souls are added.
This gives two possibilities: 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than
the
rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperatures and pressures in Hell
will increase and all Hell breaks loose.
2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a faster rate than the increase in
souls
in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes
over.
So, which is it?
If we accept the postulation given to me by Karen during my freshman
year "....that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you.." and
taking into account that I still have not succeeded in having realtionships
with her, then #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is
exothermic
and will not freeze.
THE STUDENT WAS AWARDED THE ONLY "A" GIVEN.
You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass by
a
bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect man (or) woman you have been dreaming about.
There can only be one passenger in your car and you can't return to
the
bus
stop once you have left it. Which one would you choose to offer a
ride?
Think before you continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma
that
was
once actually used as part of a job selection process so your future
could
depend on how you answer this question.
You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus
you
should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he
once
saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.
However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again.
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble
coming
up with his answer. WHAT DID HE SAY?
(Scroll down)
He answered:
"I would give the car keys to my old friend, and let him take the old
lady
to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the
woman
of
my dreams."
The moral of the story is that we can gain more if we are able to give
up
our stubborn thought limitations and "Think Outside of the Box."
Nobody came up with my correct answer which is, of course, to run over
the
old lady and put her out of her misery, shag the perfect woman silly
on
the
bonnet of the car and then drive off with my old friend to the nearest
pub
to get pissed.
Learn Chinese in 5 minutes...
1) That's not right ....................... ....Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive?.......... Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP...............................Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man.................................. .Dum Fuk
5) Small Horse................................. Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach? ...............Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped into a coffee table ......... ..Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8) I think you need a face lift .............. Chin Tu Fat
9) It's very dark in here .................... ..Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet ........ ..Wai Yu Mun Ching?
11) This is a tow away zone ............... No Pah King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week ... Wai Yu Kum Nao?
13) Staying out of sight ......................Lei Ying Lo
14) He's cleaning his automobile .........Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odor is offensive ........... Yu Stin Ki Pu
16) Great .......................................... Fa Kin Su Pah
A man is sitting next to a woman on a plane. Turns out she's a drop-dead-
gorgeous blonde! When they reached 27,000 ft. the plane leveled out and
woman sneezed.
This would have been perfectly normal but for the fact that after she sneezed
she shuddered violently. About five minutes later she sneezed and once again
shuddered violently. Five minutes later she sneezed and shuddered yet again.
Finally the man had, had all he could take and his curiousity got the better of
him.
"Are you O.K." He asked
"Yes," said the woman "I'm fine, why?"
"It's just that three times you've sneezed and three times you've shuddered
violently almost immediatly afterwards."
"Oh, I'm sorry," said the woman "It's just that I've got this rare condition, every
time I sneeze I orgasm"
"Oh really," said the man and being a keen follower of medical science asked
"What are you taking for it."
"Pepper," answered the woman.
A sure sign of a market about to hit trouble is when low quality assets
get bid up to ridiculous heights. So property buyers beware -- these five
mad housing deals were all reported earlier this year.
1. A Garage, Weymouth: 40,000
For more than twice the average Dorset salary, desperate first-time buyers
can live in a garage in Weymouth. For your money you get a freehold
measuring 15ft by 8ft, which values the site at 333 per square foot.
Sadly, there is a property on top of the garage owned by someone else,
making it impossible to demolish the garage and build on the site. The
estate agent involved alleged: "Parking is expensive... We've already had
quite a lot of interest in it."
2. A Beach Hut, Mudeford Sandbank: 145,000
The more discerning Dorset resident may wish to consider a 16ft by 18ft
wooden beach hut on the county's coast. Though the 'property' has no
running water, no gas supply, no mains electricity and the nearest car
park is two miles away, it does boast a solar roof panel, a cylinder gas
kitchenette and a bunk bed. As well as forking out 503 per square foot,
the prospective buyer will also have to pay ground rent of 1,400 per
annum. The owner claimed: "We have had some interest already and the sale
will act as a pension for my wife."
(Alternatively in nearby Charmouth, a rundown toilet block with planning
consent for a beach hut conversion was marketed recently for offers in
excess of 25,000.)
3. A Broom Cupboard, London: 125,000
No list of mad house deals would be complete without a Knightsbridge broom
cupboard. One such, er, apartment in the Prince's Court block near
Harrods, measures 11ft by 6ft and was put on the market at 1,893 per
square foot. The selling agent reportedly used words such as
'imaginative', 'clever' and 'economical', but 'room', 'swing' and 'cat'
may have been more appropriate. Nevertheless, potential brooms will refer
back to the late eighties, when a similar closet, ahem apartment, within
the same complex went for 'just' 36,500.
4. An Ice-Cream Kiosk, Cornwall: 95,000
Whipping up interest in Polperro harbour is a 25 square foot wooden
ice-cream kiosk. At 3,800 per square foot and room for just one person
inside, naturally the new owner will need to spend half the year selling
ices to make a return on his lolly. During the long, hot summer of 2003,
said kiosk reported sales of a cool 39,000 and a gross profit margin of
60%, though the selling agent admits the freehold parlour is situated
among many retail and catering establishments. The owner admitted: "We
were a little bit surprised at the price but it's offering a lifestyle as
well as a business."
5. One Acre of Scrubland, Halifax: 100,000
Land grab fever has reached manic proportions in Halifax. A one-acre plot
of scrubland in the heart of the town's green belt -- with no planning
permission for any kind of building -- recently sold at auction for
100,000. If that wasn't remarkable enough, guess how much the same plot
sold for three months earlier... 2,500. The jammy seller reaped a
fortybagger and can now boast of an annualised return of 255,999,900%. The
auctioneer, who sold the land and experienced the last property boom
fifteen years ago, confessed: "That [boom] was nothing compared to what is
going on now. The scale of the boom over the past twelve months has been
quite astonishing."
Maynard wishes to thank calcaria for his exceptional work on the Fool's
Property -- Markets and Trends discussion board and for highlighting the
above properties from stories within the Dorset Echo, the Sun, the
Independent, the Financial Times and the Times.
HOW BUSINESS WORKS
Jack, a smart businessman, talks to his son.
Jack: I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son : "I will choose my own bride!"
Jack: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."
Son : "Well, in that case..."
Next Jack approaches Bill Gates.
Jack: "I have a husband for your daughter."
Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!"
Jack: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case..."
Finally Jack goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Jack: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President: "But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!"
Jack: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."
President: "Ah, in that case..."
This is how business is done!!
We always hear “the rules” from the female side. Now here are the rules
from the male side.
These are our rules:
Please note... these are all numbered “1” ON PURPOSE!
1. Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it. Don’t try to change
that.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it
down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about
you leaving it down.
1. Saturday = sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that
way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not
work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1.Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what
we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact,
all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
Not both._ If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for
example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea
what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s
wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you
don’t want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
Really.
1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss
such topics as Sex, Sport, or Cars.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch
tonight, but did you know men really don’t mind that, it’s like camping.
Count Dracula is on the pull in Glasgow. He spends the=
night drinking
Bloody Mary's in various clubs and biting on unsuspect=
ing women's
necks.
He is heading for home, wandering along Argyle street =
sometime before
sunrise. Suddenly he is hit on the back of the hea=
d. He looks round
and sees nothing. He looks down and sees a small s=
ausage roll. Mmmm,
he thinks. What's going on here. A few yards further=
on and ...
BANG.
Smacked on the back of the head again! He whirls r=
ound as quick as he
can, nothing. Again he looks down and there is a s=
mall triangular
sandwich lying on the ground. How odd!! A few yards =
further along the
street and ....
CRASH.
Smacked on the back of the head again!! He whirls =
round as quick as he
can, nothing. He's getting really angry now. Again he =
looks down and
there is a cocktail sausage lying on the ground.
He stands and peers into the darkness of the night. =
Nothing.
He walks a few yards further on when he gets a t=
ap on the shoulder.
With
a swirl of his cape and a cloud of mist he turns=
as fast as he can. He
feels a sharp pain in his heart. He falls to the =
ground clutching his
chest, which is punctured by a small cocktail stick =
laden with a chunk
of cheese and pineapple.
On the ground dying, he looks up and sees a young =
female. With his
dying breath he gasps, who the ***k are you? She r=
eplies my name
is...........
Scroll Down
It's worth it!
Buffet, the vampire slayer.
Samsung Electronics
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?".
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking
about".
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that
I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone
Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?".
Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".
RAC Motoring Services
Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am
travelling in Australia?".
Operator: Doesn't the product give you a clue?
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France):
"If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel
to the other side of the car?".
Directory Enquiries
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff, please".
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?".
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the B'fell
off".
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven?. Are you sure?".
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland".
Caller: "I'd like the RSPCA please".
Operator: "Where are you calling from?".
Caller: "The living room".
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone
box told a worried operator: "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the
window to write the number on".
Computer Capers
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".
Customer: "OK".
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?".
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this
point?".
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".
Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you
see
the 'OK' button displayed?".
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?".
Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised
that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my
file back again?".
Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get
through to enquiries, can you help?".
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".
Nick the Dragon Slayer had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the
beautiful
Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be
death.
One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio, the
Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed
that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but
it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick the
Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and
poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after
she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to
the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the physician informed
the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours,
would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva
of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch. The
King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer.
Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for
the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next
four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and
magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick
the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the
Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now
satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing
that
Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, shooed
him
away with no payment made.
The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same
itching powder into the King's shorts. The King immediately summoned Nick
the Dragon Slayer...
Stand up and be counted: Edinburgh's best jokes
More than 400 performers are currently demonstrating the art of
cutting-edge
comedy on and beyond the Fringe. Louise Jury presents a selection of the
gags that have gone down well
Dodo died, Dodi died, Di died, Dando died... Surely Dido's looking a bit
worried.
My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I
was
never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep
at night.
Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people
were given pointed sticks?
A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day.. She said,
"Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All right, but
we won't get much done."
I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
They sent flowers to the funeral. And I couldn't help thinking, if you'd
sent them before, she'd have pulled through her illness.
My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of
our
family holidays in Customs.
My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help
thinking
he would have been better off with more oxygen.
You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because
eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?" And you
murmur to yourself: "Shit, I wasn't listening ... Self-raising?" .
Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation. .
A quick way to lose weight: subtract your birth weight, because you haven't
gained that part. .
If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel,
then
on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained
for
that.
I never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women
differ so
much. And I never figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I
have
never
figured out why men think with their head and women think with
their
heart.
I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene gets thrown
into
a
state
of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do"
FOR EXAMPLE:
One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well,
the
passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel
like it,
I
just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT???!!! What was that?!" So she says the words that
every
husband
on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with
my
emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical
needs
as
a
man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just
love me
for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to
sleep.
The
very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time
with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big,
big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she
tried
on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide
which
one
to
take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes
to
compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each
outfit. We
went to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of
diamond
earrings. Let me tell you, she was so excited, she must have
thought
I
was
one wave short of a shipwreck.
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the
excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this
is
all
dear, lets go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when
I
blurted
out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a
baffled
WHAT??!!!" I then said "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD
this
stuff
for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as
a
man
enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I
added,
"Why
can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy
you?"
Apparently I won't be having sex again until sometime after pigs
fly
over
a
frozen hell.
A young man walks onto the stage of Stars in their Eyes, on crutches,
with
a plaster cast from his feet to his hips.
Matthew Kelly Introduces him as Simon.
"It's very brave of you to come out here," says Matthew.
"Please tell the audience what happened"
"Well" replies Simon,
"About a year ago, I was driving with my Uncle when we had a really bad
accident.
Unfortunately my Uncle was killed outright but I survived.
I was trapped in the car for six hours before I was eventually cut free and
the doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours but they couldn't save my legs!"
"That's terrible. But I see you have legs now. Are they artificial?" asks
Matthew.
"No Matthew. While I was in hospital the doctors informed me that my Uncle
had in fact died, but that his legs were fine and with all the advances in
medical science, they could graft his legs onto my body.
The operation was successful. I have been having physiotherapy for six
months and hope to be walking fully again by the end of the year."
A huge round of applause erupts from the audience.
"That's an unbelievable story. So, who are you going to be?"
"Tonight, Matthew, I'm going to be Simon and Halfuncle
This guy decides to have a party where his guests are asked to
come dressed as different emotions e.g. anger, fear etc.
On the night of the party, the first guest arrives and he opens the
door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V
painted on his chest.
He says to this guy, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you
come as?"
And the guy says, "I'm green with envy.
The host replies, "Brilliant come on in and have a drink."
A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the
door to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather
boa wrapped round her most intimate parts. He says to this woman
"Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?"
And she replies, "I'm tickled pink".
The host says, "I love it, come on in and join the party."
A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, and
the host opens the door to see two Irish blokes, Paddy and Mick,
stark naked, one with his willy stuck in a bowl of custard, and the
other with his willy stuck in a pear.
The host is really shocked and says, "What the hell are you doing?
You could get arrested for standing like that out there in the street.
What emotion is this supposed to be?"
Paddy replies, "Well, I'm f*cking discustard, and my friend here has
just come in dispear."!!!
Old but funny :)
Classic Tommy Cooper!
Not olden but golden!!
Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says "dam"
Two peanuts walk into a bar
One was asalted.
A jump-lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of tarmac under his arm and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.
The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.
Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'." "That
sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."
Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly
"I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said
Dolly. "It's true, no bull!"
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I've lost my electron."
"Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says,
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well,"
says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and
examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to
have to
put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really
heavy"
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find any.
went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid
that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
He was pulled in by a strong currant
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with nuts & hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh
Two fish are in a tank
One says to the other "I'll man the guns, you drive"
Email me: chris (at) cjwareing dot net