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A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a
brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a
young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL
tie,leans out the window and asks the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly
how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects
it to his AT&T cell phone. He surfs to a NASA page on the internet,where
he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his
location, which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the
area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the
digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing
facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on
his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He
then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel
spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this
data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a
response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his
hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the
shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep." says the
shepherd.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused
as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the shepherd
says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your
business is, will you give me back my sheep?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay why
not?"
"You're a consultant." says the shepherd. "Wow! That's correct," says
the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answers the shepherd. "You showed up here even
though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already
knew, to a question I never asked; and you don't know sh*t about my
business."
"Now give me back my dog."
Quiz Trivia
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time television were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
Coca-Cola was originally green.
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs.
Smartest dogs: 1) Scottish border collie; 2) Poodle; 3) Golden retriever. Dumbest: Afghan hound.
Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters.
Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.
Amount American Airlines saved in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first class: $40,000
City with the most Rolls Royce's per capita: Hong Kong
State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
Average number of days a West German goes without washing his underwear: 7
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and in lived in China in 1910.
The youngest pope was 11 years old.
Iceland consumes more Coca-Cola per capita than any other nation.
First novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history. Spades - King David, Clubs - Alexander the Great, Hearts - Charlemagne, and Diamonds - Julius Caesar.
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 =3D 12,345,678,987,654,321
"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
A Day in the Garden of Eden
One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls =
out to God,
"Lord, I have a problem."
"What's the problem, Adam?", God replies.
"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and =
surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful =
animals, but I am just not happy"
"Why is that, Adam?", comes the reply from the heavens.
"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely =
food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."
"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall =
create a "woman" for you."
"What's a "woman", Lord?"
"This "woman" will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and =
beautiful creature I have ever created.
She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want, =
even before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she =
will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will =
rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for =
your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you.", =
replies the heavenly voice.
"Sounds great!" Adam says with a grin on his face.
"She will be, but this is going to cost you."
"Oh, how much will this "woman" cost me Lord?", Adam replies.
"She'll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear, =
and your left testicle."
Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and =
concern on his face. Finally Adam says to God,
"Ehhh, what can I get for a rib?
...And the rest, is history...
1. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana,
press the hash key..."
2. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find any.
4. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are
too high."
5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him
in.
6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you
can't, I've cut your arms off".
7. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak
and heat it.
9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
11. "Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That
sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. " "Is it common? " "It's not unusual."
12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is
there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have
a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then
checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"
13. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up
my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."
14. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
16. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you
give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster,
go for it.'
17. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or
my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin.
18. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The
other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"
19. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,
the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one
off.
20. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So
that was nice."
21. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in
several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more"
22. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and
rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number
to climb as digging continues into the night.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the
second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down
there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking
chair
that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to
ask
you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, ! but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is .... . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is . . . going all the way.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 60 success is . . . going all the way.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 90 success is . . . peeing
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent
word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.
The
bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went
up
into the belfry to begin the screening process.
After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had
decided to call it a day.
Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was
there
to apply for the bell ringer's job.
The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!"
"No matter," said the man. "Observe!" And he began striking the bells
with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop
listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a
replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a
bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry
window to his death in the street below.
The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a
crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful
music
they had heard only moments before.
As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked,
"Bishop, who was this man?". "I don't know his name," the bishop sadly
replied,
( scroll down )
( scroll down )
"....... but his face rings a bell"
WAIT! WAIT! There's more ..........
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his
heart
due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop
continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.
The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother
of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry
yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace
him
in this duty."
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless
man's
brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he
groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.
Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy,
rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened? Who is this man?"
the first monk asked breathlessly.
"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, but...
( ....... Wait for it ....... )
( ....... It may be worth it ....... )
he's a dead ringer for his brother!"
These are extracts from actual letters sent to
various councils and Housing associations throughout the UK.
1. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has
backfired and burnt my knob off.
2. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle
very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his
back passage.
3. And their 18 year old son is continually banging
his balls against my fence.
4. I wish to report that the tiles are missing from
the outside toilet roof. I think it was that bad
wind
the other night that blew them off.
5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is
coming
away from the wall.
6. Will you please send someone to mend the garden
path, my wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and
now
she is pregnant?
7. I request permission to remove my drawers in the
kitchen. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have
crumbling
plaster and the rest are plain filthy.
8. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the
children until it is cleared.
9. Will you please send a man to look at my water?
It is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
10. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now
in three pieces.
11. I want to complain about the farmer across the
road, every morning at 6:00 am his cock wakes me up
and its now getting too much for me.
12. The man next door has a large erection in the
garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
13. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two small
children and would like a third so please send
someone
round to do something about it.
14. I am single woman living in a downstairs flat
and
would you please do something about the noise made
by
the man I have on top of me every night.
15. Please send a man with the right tools to finish
the job and satisfy my wife.
16. I have had the clerk of the works down on the
floor six times but I still have had no
satisfaction.
17. My bush is really overgrown round the front and
my
back passage has fungus in it.
18. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole
house and I just can't take it any more.
The other day I phoned my local pizza delivery firm and asked for a thin
and crusty supreme. They sent me Diana Ross.
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten
different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to
the barber chair, eating a cake while her dad gets his haircut. The barber
smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your
muffin." "I know," she replies. "I'm gonna get tits too."
Scientist today exhumed Beethoven from his grave. When they opened the
coffin, they were shocked to see him playing the piano backwards, when
asked what this meant a spokesman said he was de-composing.
Sky have just won the rights to screen the first World Origami
Championships from Tokyo. Unfortunately it's only available on Paper
View......
Sean Connery gets a call from his agent one day. The agent goes "Sean,
I've got you a job, starts tomorrow, early. You'll have to be there for
10-ish". Sean furrows his brow and says "Tennish? but I don't even have a
racket."
FEMALE PRAYER
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who's loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks.
When he says he'll call, won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed.
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'd make love to my mind,
and knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end.
Amen.
MALE PRAYER:
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store.
Amen
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when
he
hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a
little
Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, 'You Sign! You sign!'
Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is
standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to
yell
louder.
'You Sign! You sign!' Nelson says to him, 'Look, you've obviously
got
the wrong man',and shuts the door in his face. The
next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it,the
little
Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his
clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling,
'You sign! You sign!' Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so
he
pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting: 'Look, go away! You've
got
the
wrong man! I don't want them!' Then he slams the door in his face
again.
The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he
hears
a
knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little
Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, 'You sign!
You
sign!' Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This
time
Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his
shirt
front and yells at him; 'Look, I don't want these! Do you understand?
You
must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give
these to?' The little Chinese man looks at him very puzzled, consults
his
clipboard, and says:
(It's a beauty)
(wait for it)
Get your Chinese accent ready .....
'You not Nissan Main Dealer?
You've probably heard them all before but here goes.
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it.
I said, 'Thyroid problem?'
When I was a kid I used to pray every n! ight for a new bike. Then I
realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked
him to forgive me.
My mum was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For
ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.
I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go
swimming.
I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder.
I don't get on with my real ladder.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I
ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass.
Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But
one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break
my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on
it was sticks and stones all the way.
My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably
why he got thrown out of the the fire brigade.
Sex is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have
a good hand.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law.
My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?'
I said 'No, Six should be enough.
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and
give the wrong answers.
You know that look women get when they want sex ? Me neither.
Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things
they don't understand, such as working for a living.
I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
Right now ! I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
I think I've forgotten this before.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize....
When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during
a holdup in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did
something that can only inspire wonder: He peered down into the barrel and
tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
The chef at a hotel in "Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting
machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his
insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its
men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a
finger.
The chef's claim was approved.
A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a
blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken
the space. Understandably, he shot her.
After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found
that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare
to Beltway had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver
went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride.
He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff
that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.
The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
An American teenager was in the hospital yesterday recovering from serious
head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received
the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how
close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, puts a 20 bill on the counter, and
asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a
gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly
provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the 20
bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer?15.
(If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime
committed?)
A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski mask and carrying
a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE,
MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A ****-UP!" For a moment, everyone was silent.
Then the snickers started. The guard completely lost it and doubled over
laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been about to draw his
gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got him. The thief
ran away and is still at large. In memory of the event, the banker later
put a plaque on the wall engraved with the words, "Freeze,
mother-stickers, this is a ****-up!"
Seems this Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that
he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some
booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head
at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on
the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made
of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her
purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to
give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the
police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to
the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there
for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's
the lady I stole the purse from."
The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger
King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash.
The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash
register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk
said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked
away.
Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a
chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of
pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper
off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the
chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to
the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the
bumper. They were quickly arrested.
A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER! When a man attempted to siphon gasoline
from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he
bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up
next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the
man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into
the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined
to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
ACCIDENTAL GOLF
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The
first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed
directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his
hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll
around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.
She explained that she was a physical therapist: "Please allow me to
help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if
you'd allow me," she told him earnestly. "Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be
alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he
remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his
crotch.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently
took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants,
and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked
him. "How does that feel?" To which he replied,
"It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
TEXAS MEDICAL GROUP
Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and
discussing surgeries they had performed.
One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A concert
pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8
months later he performed a private concert for the Queen
of England."
One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost
both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2
years later he won a gold medal in field events in the Olympics."
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years
ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse
head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to
work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's
president of the United States."
THOSE FLORIDA DRIVERS
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to
report that her car has been broken into. She is
hysterical as she explains her situation to the
dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering
wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she
cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is
on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios
in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by
mistake.
Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine
spring day in his new Washington, DC parish.
He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a
deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then
noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle
of his front lawn. He promptly called the US Senate
for assistance.
The conversation went like this: "Good morning.
This is Senator Daschle. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father
O'Malley at St.Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead
in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a
couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Senator Daschle, considering himself to be quite a wit,
replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always
my impression that you people took care of last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, that's certainly true,
but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."
Ever wonder about those people who say
they are giving more than
100%?
We
have all been to those meetings where someone
wants over 100%. How
about
achieving 103%? Here's a little math that
might prove helpful.
What makes life 100%?
If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U
V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18
19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
Then: H A R D W O R K
8-1-18-4-23-15-18-11 = 98%
K N O W L E D G E
11-14-15-23-12-5-4-7-5 = 96%
A T T I T U D E
1-20-20-9-20-21-4-5 = 100%
And,
B U L L S H I T
2-21-12-12-19-8-9-20 = 103%
So, it stands to reason that hard work and
knowledge will get you
close, attitude will get you there, but
bullshit will put you over
the
top.
And look how far ass kissing will take you.
A S S K I S S I N G
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 =140%
This story explains a lot of things. !!!!
How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night drinking
and thought 'How on earth did I get home?' As hard as you try, you cannot
piece together your return journey from the pub to your house.
The answer to this puzzle is that you used a Beer Scooter. The Beer Scooter
is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased to the drunk by Bacchus
the Roman god of wine. Bacchus has acquired a large batch Of these magical
devices. The Beer Scooter works in the following fashion:
The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the "slurring
gland" begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many
sub-contractors detects this pheromone and sends down a winged Beer Scooter.
The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via a
Trans-Dimensional Portal. This is not cheap to run, so a large portion of
the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This answers the second
question after a night out 'How did I spend so Much money?'
Unfortunately, Beer Scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be
responsible for over 90% of all UDI (Unidentified Drinking Injuries), such
as skinned knees and a sore spot on the top of your head.
An undocumented feature of the beer scooter is the destruction of time
segments during the trip. The nature of Trans-Dimensional Portals dictates
that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for. This answers a third
question after a night out 'What the hell happened?'
With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Removal of Embarrassing
Moments In Time) add on, that automatically removes, in descending order,
those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately one person's REMIT is not
necessarily the REMIT of another's and quite often-lost time is regained
in discussions over a period of time.
Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles often cause the
scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending the passenger to the
wrong bedroom, often with horrific consequences.
The final add-on Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some scooters is the TAS
(Tobacco Absorption System). This explains how one person can apparently get
through 260 Marlboro Lights in a single night.
PS: Don't forget the on-board heater, which allows you to comfortably get
home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures, wearing just a T-shirt.
An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a
construction site.
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand. He says to the Italian
guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."
To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling."
And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you
guys to make a dent in that there pile of sand."
So when the foreman returns, after being away for a couple of hours,
the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you
sweep any of
it?"
The Italian replies, " I no hava no broom You saida to the Chinese-a-
fella that he was in charge of supplies, but he has a disappeared and I
no could finda him nowhere."
Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, "And you, I thought
I told you to shovel this pile." The Scotsman replies, "Aye, that ye
did laddie, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left that Chinese
gadgie in chairgeof supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him neither."
The foreman is really angry now. He storms off toward the pile of sand
to look for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from
behind the pile of sand and yells ....
"SUPPLIES!!!!"
1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when
your
pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008
into a calculator.
6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to
have
a fire in your back garden.
10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy
ball.
15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call
your teacher mum or dad.
18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you
at
the first given opportunity.
19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee flushed half
way
through and then raced against the flush.
21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong!
22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
24) You never ever run out of salt.
25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've
got your hand or head stuck in something.
28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had
their arm broken by a swan.
30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and
stepping
on an upturned plug.
31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard
32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece
of
wood specifically to stir paint with.
33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
34) Bricks are horrible to carry.
35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.
Barry John, David Campese and Jonny Wilkinson are standing before God at
the throne of Heaven. God looks at them and says; "before granting you a
place at my side, I
must first ask you what you believe in."
Addressing Barry John first he asks, "what do you believe?"
Barry John looks God in the eye and states passionately, "I believe
Rugby to be the food of life in Wales. Nothing else brings such
unbridled joy to
so many people from the Valleys and Vales. I have devoted my life to
bring
such joy to people who stood on the terraces of the Cardiff Arms Park
supporting their country."
God looks up and offers Barry John the seat to his left.
He then turns to David Campese, "and you, David , what do you believe?"
Campo stands tall and proud, "I believe courage, honour, passion and
flair are the fundamentals to life and I've spent my whole playing
career
providing a living embodiment of these traits."
God, moved by the passion of the speech offers Campese the seat to his
right.
Finally, he turns to Jonny Wilkinson , "and you, Jonny, what do you
believe?"
"I believe" says Jonny "you're sitting in my seat."
Why Men Die First..........................
This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries; but, now we
know....................
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat
race...you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework...you're a pansy.
If you work too hard...there's never any time for her.
If you don't work enough...you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay...this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay.....you should get off
your
lazy behind and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her.....that is favouritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you......it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks......it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet..........it's male indifference.
If you cry............you're a wimp.
If you don't........you're an insensitive bastard.
If you make a decision without consulting her.........you're a
chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you......she's a liberated
woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy....... that's
domination.
If SHE asks you.........it's a favour.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear .you're a
pervert.
If you don't..............you're gay.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape .you're sexist.
If you don't.................you're unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape................you're vain.
If you don't................you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers.............you're after something.
If you don't....................you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements........you're full of yourself.
If you don't....................you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache............she's tired.
If you have a headache.............you don't love her anymore.
If you want it too often.........you're oversexed.
If you don't................there must be someone else.
Men die first because they want to.....
A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven.
While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the
gates.
She saw a beautiful banquet table.
Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved
and who had died before her.
They saw her and began calling greetings to her, "Hello - How are you!
We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful
place! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her."
"Which word?" the woman asked."
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into
Heaven.
About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch
the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her.
"I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were
ill.
And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I
lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around
the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today.
I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
"Czechoslovakia."
Are you the weakest link? Below are four (4) questions.
You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer
all of them immediately.
OK? Let's find out just how clever you really are.
Ready?
GO!!! (scroll down)
First Question:
You are participating in a race. You overtake the second
person. What position are you in?
Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are
absolutely wrong!
If you overtake the second person and you take his place,
you are second!
Try not to screw up in the next question.
To answer the second question, don't take as much time as
you took for the first question.
Second Question: If you overtake the last person, then you
are...?
Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then
you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?
You're not very good at this are you?
Third Question: Very tricky math! Note: This must be done
in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try
it.
Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add
30. Add another
1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What
is the total?
Scroll down for answer..
Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100.
Don't believe it? Check with your calculator! Today is
definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the last question
right?
Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3.
Nini, 4. Nono.
What is the name of the fifth daughter?
Answer: Nunu?
NO! Of course not. Her name is Mary. Read the question
again
Subject: How to bath a cat
1. Thoroughly clean toilet.
2. Lift both lids and add shampoo.
3. Find and soothe cat as you carry him to bathroom.
4. In one swift move, place cat in toilet, close both lids, and stand
on top so cat cannot escape.
5. The cat will self agitate and produce ample suds. (Ignore ruckus
from inside toilet; cat is enjoying this.)
6. Flush toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides power rinse, which is quite
effective. Cat is too big to go anywhere.
7. Have someone open outside door, stand as far from toilet as possible
and quickly lift both lids.
8. Clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and outdoors, where he will
air dry. Cat will return when hungry.
Sincerely,
The dog
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old
is when we're kids?
If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you
think in fractions.
How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a
half.
You're four and a half, going on five!
That's the key.
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back.
You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
"How old are you?"
"I'm gonna be 16!"
You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day
of your life . . . you become 21.
Even the words sound like a ceremony . . .
YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound
like bad milk. He TURNED; we had to throw him out.
There's no fun now, you're just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong?
What's changed?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40.
Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away.
Before you know it, you REACH 50 . . . and your dreams are gone.
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would! So you
BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70!
After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!
You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch;
you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime.
And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I
Was JUST 92."
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a
little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
B. HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and
height.
Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay them.
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening,
whatever. Never let the brain idle.
" An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is
Alzheimer's.
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who
is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets,
keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable,
improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next
county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at EVERY opportunity.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
~ ~ Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the
moments that take our breath away.~ ~
And if you don't send this to at least 8 people -who cares? But do
share this with someone. We all need to live life to its fullest each
day.
A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances
up and sees a most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realises she
is heading straight towards his seat.
A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she
takes the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he
blurts
out:
-"Business trip or vacation?"
-"Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago" she
says.
Whoa!! He swallows hard and is instantly crazed with excitement.
Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting RIGHT next
to him and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to
maintain
his outward cool, he calmly asks, "What's your business role at this
convention?".
-"Lecturer" she says "I use my experiences to debunk some of the
popular myths about sexuality".
-"Really" he says, swallowing hard "what myths are those?"
-"Well" she explains
-"One popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed
when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to
possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best
lovers, when actually it is men of Greek descent."
Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes
-"I'm sorry" She says "I shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't
even
know your name."
-"Tonto" the man says as he extends his hand "Tonto Papadopoulos."
One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting
ready for his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere.
Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the
toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the
pressure of being behind schedule.
Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed
Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them
were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out,
heaven knows where. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and
the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
Frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a
shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the
elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it
broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He
went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of
the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door.
He opened the door, and there stood a little angel with a great big
Christmas tree.
The Angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a
lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me
to put it?"
And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the
Christmas tree.
A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night when
the
man felt a drop hit his nose.
"I think it's raining," he said to his wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied.
"No, I'm sure it was just rain," he said.
They were just about to begin arguing with each other about whether it
was raining or snowing when they saw a Communist Party official walking
toward them.
"Let's not fight about it," the man said. "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph
whether it's officially raining or snowing."
As the official approached, the man said: "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is
it officially raining or snowing?"
"It's raining, of course," he replied, and walked on.
But the woman insisted, "I know that felt like snow!"
To which her husband quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain,
dear."
An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of
impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite cheese
scones wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and
lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and
with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled
downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing
into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought
himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the
kitchen table were dozens of his favourite cheese scones.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife
of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table,
landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, he
could almost taste the cheese scone before it was in his mouth, seemingly
bringing him back to life.
The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to the nearest scone at the
edge of the table, when his hand was suddenly smacked with a spatula held
by his wife. . . . . . . . . . . . .
Scroll down for the punch line
"F*ck off" she said, "they're for the funeral."
Handy Hints from Delia Smith
Delia's Way 1:
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent
ice cream drips.
The Real Women's Way :
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for God's sake.
You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.
Delia's Way 2:
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the
potatoes.
The Real Women's Way :
Buy Smash mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
Delia's Way 3 :
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tin, use a bit of the
dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of
the
cake.
The Real Women's Way :
Tesco's sell cakes. They even do decorated versions.
Delia's Way 4 :
If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a
potato slice.
The Real Women's Way :
If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's tough sh*t. Please
recite with me the Real Women's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and
I don't care how bad it tastes."
Delia's Way 5 :
Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator and it
will keep for weeks.
The Real Women's Way :
It could keep forever. Who eats it?
Delia's Way 6 :
Brush some beaten egg white over piecrust before baking to yield
beautiful glossy finish.
The Real Women's Way :
Sainsbury's frozen pie directions do not include brushing any egg white
over the crust so I don't do that.
Delia's Way 7 :
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your
forehead. The throbbing will go away.
The Real Women's Way :
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and drop it in 8 ounces
of tequila. Drink the tequila. You might still have the headache, but who
gives a sh*t?
Delia's Way 8 :
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves.
They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
The Real Women's Way :
What's the point of blokes then?
And finally the most important tip - Delia's Way 9 :
Freeze leftover wine into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and
sauces.
The Real Women's Way :
Leftover wine???? Hello!!!!!
The creation of pets
Where do pets come from?
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the
answer to "Where do pets come from?"
Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us
every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it
is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will
be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so
that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how
selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will
accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal.
And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his
tail.
And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the
Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be
a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own
name, and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved
them.
And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said,
"Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen
like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has
indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."
And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who will
be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion
will remind them
of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy
of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's
eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.
One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old china, I want you to
make me a new Ark".
Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being. Anything you want after
all you're the guv'"
But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time Noah, I don't want
just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks one on top
of the other".
"20 DECKS!" screams Noah "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill
it up with all the animals just like last time?"
"Yep, that's right, well. Sort of right. This time I want you to fill it up
with fish", God answers.
"Fish?" queries Noah.
"Yep, fish. Well, to make it more specific Noah, I want carp - wall to
wall,
floor to ceiling - Carp!"
Noah looks to the skies. "OK God my old mucker, let me get this right, you
want a New Ark?"
"Check".
"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?"
"Check".
"And you want it full of Carp?"
"Check".
"Why?" Asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the
end
of his tether.
(Scroll down - It's the best ever !!!!)
"Dunno", says God, ......................
"I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark".
A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth.
A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet. Nurse," he mumbles
from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash
your hands and feet"
He struggles again to ask, Nurse, Are my testicles black?" Wanting to
help, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his Penis in one
hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look, and says,
"There's nothing wrong with them!"
Finally, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies, "That was very
nice of you but, are... my... test... results...back?"
And more Peter Kay jokes
I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to
arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a
fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have
your
kayak and heat it.
So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I
said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said
"You're closest".
You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go
out the night before and shoot the fox.
The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang
her up, I said "Did you get my drift?".
So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a
complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled
onions".
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to
pull a fast one".
So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said
"Eurostar?".I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the
splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make
Tuesdays".
But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to
pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants,
it was Wedgie Kray.
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me
with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said
"Waiter,
I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a
competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.
So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk
about your carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a Je-oover's
witness".
You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a
catholic converter.
So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance
caller", he said "Not you again".
So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion)
and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the
salt.
He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that
as a condiment".
Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example
Goran, even he's a witch.
And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags,
he's bisatchel.
So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a
barcode. I said "Are you two an item?".
So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of
terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".
Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi - get out! We
don't want your type in here"
A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you,
but don't start anything"
A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says,
"Is this some kind of joke?"
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't
serve food in here"
Dyslexic man walks into a bra
A seal walks into a club...
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and
says: "Pint please, and one for the road."
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides
up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After
about
an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But
why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said "I can't stand
chess
nuts boasting in an open foyer."
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent
in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would
win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them
goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family
in Spain, they name him Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of
himself
to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she
wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they
are
twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
A Fairy told a married couple: "For being such an exemplary married
couple for 25 years, I will give you each a wish"
"I want to travel around the world with my dearest husband".....said
the
wife.
The fairy moved her magic stick and abracadabra! Two tickets appeared
in
her hands.
Now it was the husbands turn. He thought for a moment and said:
"Well......this moment is very romantic, but an opportunity like this
only
occurs once in a lifetime. So....I'm sorry my love, but my wish
is......to
have a wife 30 years younger than me"
The wife was deeply disappointed but, a wish was a wish. The Fairy
made
a
circle with her magic stick and.......abracadabra!... Suddenly the
husband
was 90 years old.
Men might be b@stards but Fairies are Female!
Email me: chris (at) cjwareing dot net