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Corporate Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel," After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?" Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Corporate Lesson 2:

A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory." Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Corporate Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch." Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
Corporate Lesson 4:

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.
Corporate Lesson 5:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to Get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree. Moral of the story: Bullshět might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first.
So, he inserted his "manhood" into the equipment, turned the switch on and everything else was automatic. Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did. When the fun was over, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his penis. He read the manual but didn't find any useful information. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success. Finally, the farmer decided to call the Customer Service Hot Line. "Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?" "Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons.
Subject: FW: Revocation of Independence



LONG BUT VERY AMUSING



NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

To the citizens of the United States of America, In the
light of your failure to elect a competent President of the
USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of
the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her
Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical
duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.
Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime
minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85%
of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world
outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America
without the need for further elections. Congress and the
Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated
next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in
the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford
English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation
guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been
pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words
such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is
nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will
learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.
You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z'
(pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be
replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix
'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome
to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with
correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your
vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using
the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises
such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and
inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".
There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If
you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you
shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your
vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let
Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker
will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u'
and the elimination of "-ize".

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and
Australian accents.

It really isn't that hard. English accents are not
limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in
Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand
regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no
longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about
regions, you must learn that there is no such place as
Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If
you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States
will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast
English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required
to cast English actors to play English characters. British
sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not
be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American
audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional
political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem,
"God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task
1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There
is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American
"football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are
aware that there is a world outside your borders may have
noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will
no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play
proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played
with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave
enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is
similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping
for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body
armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least
a US Rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing
baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the
'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of
America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a
world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls'
game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team
strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns.
You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more
dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler.
Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially
dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a
vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd
will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will
be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap
and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars,
you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will
be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the
left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go
metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you
understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you
call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even
French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the
guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a
country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling
potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are
thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional
accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm
and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive
with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup
will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of
Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made
within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer
is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st
only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and
European brews of known and accepted provenance will be
referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as
"American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as
"Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the exception of the product
of the American Budweiser company whose product will be
referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will
allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years
in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or
"Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until
April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will
harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the
Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly
$6/US gallon - get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without
using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so
many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be
independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're
not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or
speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to
handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us
crazy. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be
with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues
due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation



A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Corvette convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head.

"This is great," he thought as he roared down I-75. He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing."

He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him. The trooper pulled in behind the Corvette and walked up to the man.

"Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper as he smiled and walked away...


A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a
piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM". He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and
he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why
his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by
the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. God may have created
man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.




A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him

something. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a

bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate

glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then

the driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the

daylights out of me." The passenger, who was also frightened,

apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could

frighten him so much. To which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's

really not your fault at all.

Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for

the last 25 years."



A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her five- year-old
son playing with his new electric train in the
living room. She heard the train stop and her son
saying, "All of you b**tards who want to get off, get the hell off
now, 'cause this is the last stop! ..... and all of you b**tards who
are getting on, get your a**e in the train, cause we're going down
the tracks."

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that
kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room
and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with
your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing
with his train. Soon the train stopped and the
mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are
disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your
belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us
today and hope your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the
little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to
stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no
smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing
journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who
are p*ssed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat b*tch in
the kitchen."







WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ

Passing requires 4 correct answers

1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get cat gut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What colour is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane?



All done?
Scroll down to check your answers below.
















ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ

Passing requires 4 correct answers

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years
2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs
7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert
8) What colour is a purple finch? Crimson
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand
10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange,
of course.

What do you mean, you failed? Me, too - 2/10 pathetic! (And don't try to
tell me you passed!)

Pass this on to some brilliant friends so they can feel rotten, too.


The 1st joke of Xmas

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly
gates.
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess
something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.
You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, "They're bells". Saint Peter said you may pass
through the pearly gates.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally
pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just
what
do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "They're Carols".



DRINKING....



* Stage 1 - CLEVER: This is when you suddenly become an expert on
every subject in the known universe. You know you know everything and you
want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you
are always right. And, of course, the person you are talking to is very
wrong. This takes for an interesting argument when both parties are CLEVER.



* Stage 2 - ATTRACTIVE: This is when you realise that you are the most
ATTRACTIVE person in the entire bar and that everyone fancies you. You can
go up to a perfect stranger knowing that they fancy you and really want to
talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still CLEVER, so you can talk to this
person about any subject under the sun.



* Stage 3 - RICH: This is when you suddenly become the RICHEST person
in the room. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have a
bottomless wallet. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course
you are still CLEVER so, naturally, you will always win. Anyway, it doesn't
matter how much you bet because you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for
everyone that you fancy, in the knowledge that you are clearly the most
ATTRACTIVE person present.



* Stage 4 - INVINCIBLE: You are now ready to pick fights with anyone
and everyone, especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing.
This is because you are now INVINCIBLE. At this point you can also go up to
the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of
wits or strength. You have no fear of losing this battle, because as well as
being INVINCIBLE you are CLEVER, you're RICH and you're more ATTRACTIVE than
them anyway.



* Stage 5 - INVISIBLE: This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this
point you can do anything, because you are now INVISIBLE. You can dance on a
table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in
the room cannot see you. You can also snog the face off them for the same
reason. You are also INVISIBLE to the people who want to fight you. You can
walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can
see or hear you and because you're still CLEVER you know all the words.



AND NOW.......



Sobering Up....



* Stage 1 - STUPID : As you regain consciousness and begin to enjoy
the headache, the churning stomach and the cold sweats, you realise that you
have lost not only several hours of your life but also the ability to
concentrate on anything whatsoever. You are now STUPID and will remain so
for a minimum of 12 hours.



* Stage 2 - UGLY: Never entirely happy with the effects of the
bathroom mirror first thing (whatever hour that may be) you are horrified to
discover that you have now become even UGLIER than you previously thought
possible. Not only have you bloodshot eyes and a glorious collection of
spots and/or blemishes, but you are shaking so much that your grandfather
probably looks healthier. Unfortunately you are still too STUPID to know
better than to try and shave whilst shaking (it's a man thing..).



* Stage 3 - POOR: Having crawled out of bed and got dressed you are
about to scramble out the door when you discover that the money that was to
last you the week is now missing from your wallet. Being STUPID, you have no
idea what happened to it, but the traces of curry on your clothes allow the
possibility that you might have treated everyone to a takeaway at some
point. Alternatively your pocket could have been picked or you might have
given the taxi driver a twenty folded in a twenty by mistake. Rationalising
that you couldn't possibly have been that STUPID and that you would remember
being robbed, you come to believe that you were the only one who bought any
food or drinks all night and start to loathe all your friends.



* Stage 4 - FRAGILE : As you are now STUPID, UGLY and POOR, your
consequently FRAGILE, self-esteem plummets. Your already FRAGILE physical
condition ensures that you feel liable to shatter if anyone even speaks to
you.



* Stage 5 - CONSPICUOUS : This is the final stage of sobering up.
Unfortunately, everyone can spot this CONSPICUOUS condition and its cause
from a great distance. Even worse, they know that they can complete your
misery by making fun of you, and that you are too STUPID to retaliate, too
FRAGILE to hit them, too POOR to bribe them and too UGLY to hide!


Every day, a male co-worker walks up to a good looking lady standing at the coffee machine. He gets up very close to her, inhales a big breath of air and then tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this strange ritual, she decides that she can't stand it anymore and takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department. She informs the supervisor of personnel that she wants to file a sexual harassment complaint against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks," What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."



On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the
middle of nowhere, the following people are suddenly
stranded by, as you might expect, a shipwreck:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman

2 French men and 1 French woman

2 German men and 1 German woman

2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman

2 English men and 1 English woman

2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman

2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman

2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman

2 American men and 1 American woman

2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later on these same absolutely stunning
deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the
following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the
Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living
happily together in a ménage-a-trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of
alternating visits with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the
Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the
endless ocean, and another long look at the Bulgarian
woman, and started swimming.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting
instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor
store, a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the
woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their
stores.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of
suicide because the American woman keeps endlessly
complaining about her body; the true nature of
feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the
necessity of fulfilment; the equal division of
household chores; how sand and palm trees make her
look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion
and treated her nicer than they do; how her
relationship with her mother is improving and how at
least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.

The two English men are waiting for someone to
introduce them to the English woman.

The two Irish men have divided the island into North
and South and set up a distillery. They do not
remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort
of foggy after the first few litres of coconut
whiskey. But they're satisfied because at least the
English aren't having any fun.



SYMPTOMS OF BEING OVER 25
1. You leave clubs before the end to "beat the rush".
2. You get more excited about having a roast on a Sunday than
going clubbing.
3. You stop dreaming of becoming a professional footballer and
star dtreaming of having a son who might instead.
4. Before throwing the local paper away, you look through the
propertysection.
5. You prefer Later with Jools Holland to Top of the Pops.
6. All of a sudden, Tony Blair is not 50, he's only 50.
7. Before going out anywhere, you ask what the parking is like.
8. Rather than throw a knackered pair of trainers out, you keep
them because they'll be all right for the garden.
9. You buy your first ever T-shirt without anything written on it.
10.Instead of laughing at the innovations catalogue that falls out of
the newspaper, you suddenly see both the benefit and money
saving properties of a plastic winter cover for your garden bench
and an electronic mole repellent for the lawn. Not to mention the
plastic man for the car to deter would-be thieves.
11. You make an effort to be in and out of the curry house by 11.
12. Sure, you have more disposable income, but everything you
want to buy costs between 200 and 500 quid.
13. You don't get funny looks when you buy a Disney video or a
Wallace and Gromit bubble bath, as the sales assistant assumes
they Are for your child.
14. Pop music all starts to sound crap.
15. You opt for Pizza Express over Pizza Hut because they don't
have any pictures on the menus and anyway, they do a really nice
half-bottle of house white.
16. You become powerless to resist the lure of self-assembly
furniture.
17. You always have enough milk in.
18. To compensate for the fact that you have little desire to go
clubbing, you instead frequent really loud tapas restaurants and
franchise pubs with wackynames in the mistaken belief that you
have.
19. While flicking through the TV channels, you happen upon C4's
Time Team with Tony Robinson.You get drawn in.
20. The benefits of a pension scheme become clear.
21. You go out of your way to pick up a colour chart from B&Q.
22. You wish you had a shed.
23. You have a shed.
24. You actually findyourself saying "They don't make 'em like that
anymore" and "Iremember when there were only 3 TV channels"
and "Of course, in my day...."
25. Radio 2 play more songs you know than Radio 1 - and
Jeremy Vine has some really interesting guests on.
26. Instead oftutting at old people who take ages to get off the bus,
you tut at schoolchildren whose diction is poor.
27. When sitting outside a pubyou become envious of their hanging
baskets
28. You come face to face
with your own mortality for the first time, and the indestructibility
of the 20s gives way to a realisation that you are but passing
through
this life and if you don't settle down soon and have kids you'll have
no-one to look after you when you're old and frail and incontinent
and you can't go on p**sing your life up against a wall forever and
think of how many brain cells you're destroying every time a swift
half turns into 10 pints, and look at that, a full set of stainless steel
saucepans for 99 quid, they cost as much as 35 each if you buy
themseparately, and you get a milk pan thrown in, ...


Touching words from the mouth of babes.

What does Love mean?

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, "What does love mean?"

The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have Imagined. See what you think:

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."
Rebecca- age 8

When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth."
Billy - age 4

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."
Karl - age 5

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."
Chrissy age 6

"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."
Terri, age 4

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."
Danny - age 7

"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss"
Emily - age 8

"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen."
Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)

"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,"
Nikka - age 6 (we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."
Noelle - age 7

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well."
Tommy - age 6

"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."
Cindy - age 8

"My mommy loves me more than anybody . You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night."
Clare - age 6

"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken."
Elaine-age 5

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford."
Chris - age 7

"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day."
Mary Ann - age 4

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones." ;
Lauren - age 4

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." (what an image)
Karen - age 7

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross."
Mark - age 6

"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."
Jessica - age 8

And the final one -- Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child.

The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry"


GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the
second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.



GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the
joy.




GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're
down
there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking
chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers
to
ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, ! but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.




THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.



SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . .... having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is . . . going all the way.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 60 success is . . . going all the way.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is ... . ... having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.





The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad
news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition
which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates
one heck of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove
the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.
He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital he
was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he
was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he
realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new
beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need - a new
suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new
shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16-1/2 neck."

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit
perfectly .

As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new
shoes?"

Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see...9-1/2 E."

Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"Joe tried on the shoes and they fit
perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about
some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure."

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see...size 36."

Joe laughed. "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years
old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A 34 underwear
would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you
one heck of a headache."

ALWAYS get a second opinion...
Why complain about the things you cant change



Four friends reunited at a party after 30 years. After a few laughs
and drinks, one of them had to go to the rest room. The ones who
stayed began talk about their kids and their successes.
The first guy says; "I am very proud of my son, he is my pride and
joy. He started working at a very successful company at the bottom of
the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon
he was promoted and began to climb the corporate ladder becoming the
General Manager and now he is the President of the Company. He became
so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes-Benz for his birthday.

The second guy says: "Damn, that's terrific. My son is also my pride
and joy. I am very proud of him. He started working at a travel
agency for a very big airline. He went to flight school to become a
pilot and also managed to become a partner in the company where he
now owns the majority of the assets. He became so rich he gave his
best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.

The third guy says, "well, well, well, congratulations. My son is
also my pride and joy and he is also very rich. He studied in the
best universities and became an Engineer. He started his own
construction company and became very successful and a
multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive
to his best friend for his birthday. He built a 30,000 sq. ft.
mansion, specially for his friend."

The three friends congratulated each other mutually for the successes
of their sons. The fourth friend who earlier had gone to the restroom
returned and asked...."What's going on? What are all the congratulations for?

One of the three said, "We were talking about the pride we feel for
the successes of our sons. And then he asked, "what about your son?"

The fourth man replied. My son is Gay. He makes a living dancing as a
stripper in a nightclub. The three friends said, "What a shame that
must be, that is horrible, what a disappointment you must feel."

The fourth man replied. No, I am not ashamed. Not at all. He is my
son and I love him just as well. He is my pride and joy. And, he is
very lucky too.

Did you know that his birthday just passed and the other day he
received a beautiful 30,000 sq. ft. mansion, a brand new jet, and a
top of the line Mercedes-Benz from his three boyfriends.




Subject: Duck Tale

A man walked into a quiet bar. He carried three ducks, one in
each hand and one under his left arm. He placed them one beside the other
upon the bar. He had a few drinks and chatted with the ducks, and with the
bartender. The bartender was surprised, but experienced and had learned
not to ask people about animals they bring into the bar, so he didn't
mention the ducks.

They chatted for about another 30 minutes before the man with the
ducks had to go to the rest room. He left the ducks there on the bar.
The bartender was alone with the ducks. There was an awkward silence as
they all looked at one another. The bartender decided to break the ice
and try to make a little conversation.
"Say, what's your name?" he asked the
first duck.
"Huey," replied the first duck.
"How's your day been, Huey?!
""Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all
day! What else could a duck want?", said the duck.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender.
Then he said to the second duck, "Hi. And what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey?", he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too!
Been in and out of puddles all day myself. If I had the chance
another day I'd do the same again!", said the duck in reply.
So the bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be
Louie?"
"No," she said, "my name is Puddles. And don't even ask what kind of day
I've had!"



Subject : FW: The bar

An Irishman, an Englishman, and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar.
The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional.
"Y'know" said the Scot, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in
Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's where the owner will
buy your 5th drink after you buy 4."

"Well" said the Englishman, "at my local, the Red Lion, the barman
there will buy your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."

"Ahhh that's nothing" said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin
there's Ryan's bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you

a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had
enough they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on
the house."

The Englishman and the Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the
Irishman's claims.

He swears every word is true.

"Well" said the Englishman "did this actually happen to you?"



"No, not me personally," said the Irishman. "But it did happen to me
sister."




A three year old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a
bath.

"Mama," he asked, "Are these my brains?"

Mama answered, "Not yet."Subject: This is weird! Try it!



Have you ever wondered if your mind is normal or different??
Well, do this little mind exercise and find out at the end!! Free will or synaptic wiring? You be the judge. Check out the following exercise, guaranteed to raise an eyebrow. There's no trick or surprise.

Just follow these instructions, and answer the questions one at a time and as quickly as you can.

Again, as quickly as you can but don't advance until you've done each of them...really. Now, scroll down (but not too fast, you might miss something)........

What is:


1+5


2+4


3+3


4+2


5+1


Now repeat saying the number 6 to yourself as fast as yo! u can for 15 seconds. Then scroll down.


QUICK!!! THINK OF A VEGETABLE! Then arrow down.


Keep going. . .


You're thinking of a Carrot, right?


If not, you're among the 2% of the population whose minds are different enough to think of something else.
98% of people will answer with "carrot" when given this exercise. Freaky, huh?
Forward it to people you know and see if they can see if they are usual or not.



1. Two blondes walk into a building...............you'd think at least
one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message "....if you want to buy marijuana
press the hash key"

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink said "Well I can clearly see you're nuts"

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said "No the steaks are too
high".

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him
in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted
"Doctor doctor I can't feel my legs" The doctor said "I know you can't I've
cut your arms off.

8. I went to a seafood disco last week.............and pulled a mussel.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
craft and it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have you kayak
and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doctor says "I'll give you some cream to put on it"

12. "Doc I can't stop singing The Green Green Grass of Home" That
sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome. "Is it common" "It's not unusual"

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "my dog's cross eyed is
there anything you can do for him" "Well" says the vet "lets have a look at
him" so he picks up the dog and examines his eyes then checks his teeth.
Finally he says "I'm going to have to put him down" "What because he cross
eyed?" "No because he's really heavy"

14. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid
and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one
off.

15. A man walked into the doctors he said "I've hurt my arm in several
places" the doctor said "don't go there anymore"




Subject: Fw: Raising Boys


Raising Boys

a) For those with no children - this is totally hysterical!
b) For those who already have children past this age, this is
hilarious.
c) For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
d) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
e) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas...
Things I've learned from my Boys (honest and not kidding):
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq.ft.
house 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with
roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded
restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not
strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all Four walls of a 20x20 ft.room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up
a few a times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball
hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's
already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even
though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
10.Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a
4-year old Boy.
11.Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same
sentence.
12.Super glue is forever.
13.No matter how much J ell-O you put in a swimming pool you still
can't walk on water.
14.Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15.VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV
commercials show they do.
16.Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17.Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18.You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19.Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do
not like ovens.
20.The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
21.The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms
dizzy.
22.It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23.Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24.80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake
fluid.
** Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or
without kids.




Be very proud to be British Because:


Only in Britain... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in Britain... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their
prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Britain... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a DIET coke.

Only in Britain... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

Only in Britain... do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap
lawn mower in the garage.

Only in Britain... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't
miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Only in Britain... are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.

NOT TO MENTION...

3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.

142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.

58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.

British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents.

101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.

18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their
teeth.

8 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of control Scalextric cars.

And finally.........

In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet.


RULE BRITANNIA!!




Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming
around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. The
prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that
inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn;
I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being
eaten." A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted",
and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian
immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark
boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came
close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was
the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he
thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He
approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he
found himself turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny
little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a
cocktail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much
worse).

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his
old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, still distraught
that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came
the reply. Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and
torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate
memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me,
Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again." Christian replied,
"No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be
tricked into being your dinner. "Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was
the old me. I've changed."................





"I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again Christian".



Little Johnny came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.
His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his
mother what he wanted.
'Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.'
Little Johnny was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at
school and at home. Johnny's mother asked him if he thought he deserved
to get a bike for his birthday. Little Johnny, of course, thought he did.
Johnny's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his
behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God, and tell him why
he deserved a bike for his birthday.
Little Johnny stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God
a letter.

LETTER 1:
Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my
birthday.
I want a red one.
Your friend,
Johnny.

Johnny knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year,
so he tore up the letter and started over.

LETTER 2:
Dear God,
This is your friend Johnny.
I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red bike
for my birthday.
Thank you,
Johnny.

Johnny knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started
again.

LETTER 3:
Dear God,
I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for
my birthday.
Your friend,
Johnny.

Johnny knew he could not send this letter to God either. Johnny was
very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church.
Johnny's mother thought her plan had worked because Johnny looked very
sad.
"Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said. Johnny walked down
the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if
anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt
and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his
room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a
pen. Johnny began to write his letter to God.


LETTER 4:
I'VE GOT YOUR MUM. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE F***ING BIKE.
Signed YOU KNOW WHO



I am passing this on to you because it has definitely worked for me.
By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally
found inner peace. It reads:
"The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've
started." I looked around to see all the things I started and hadn't
finished. So, today I have finished one bottle of white wine, a bottle of red wine, a bottle of Drambuie, my Prozac, a large box of chocolates and a quart of beer. You have no idea how good I feel. You may pass this on to those you feel are in need of Inner Peace.

Have a marvelous day.

Email me: chris (at) cjwareing dot net