GUARANTEED TO MAKE YOU SMILE.... ESPECIALLY SINCE IT'S A TRUE STORY.

ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON. HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, "THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS.

BUT JUST BEFORE HE REENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY."

MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGH IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT. HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS.

OVER THE YEARS MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY" STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED.

ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY, FLORIDA, WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION TO ARMSTRONG. THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED.

MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD ANSWER THE QUESTION.

IN 1938 WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MIDWEST TOWN, HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD. HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THE BEDROOM WINDOWS.

HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY.

AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY.

"SEX! YOU WANT SEX??!! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!"


TRUE STORY.

Subject: NIGHT CLASSES FOR MEN - SIGN UP NOW

NIGHT CLASSES FOR MEN - SIGN UP NOW

Classes for Men at our Local Learning Center for Adults.

Note: Due to the complexity and difficulty level of their contents,
each course is limited to a maximum of 8 participants.

TOPIC 1 - How to Fill Up the Ice Cube Trays. Step by step, with slide presentations.
TOPIC 2 - The Toilet Paper Roll: Do They Grow on the Holders? Round table discussion.
TOPIC 3 - Is it Possible to Urinate Using the Technique of Lifting the Seat Up and Avoiding the Floors/Walls and Nearby Bathtub? Group practice.
TOPIC 4 - Fundamental Differences Between the Laundry Hamper and the Floor. Pictures and explanatory graphics.
TOPIC 5 - The After-Dinner Dishes and Silverware: Can They Levitate and Fly into the Kitchen Sink? Examples on video.
TOPIC 6 - Loss of Identity: Losing the Remote to Your Significant Other. Help line support and support groups.
TOPIC 7 - Learning How to Find Things, Starting With Looking in the Right Place Instead of Turning the House Upside Down While Screaming. Open forum.
TOPIC 8 - Health Watch: Bringing Her Flowers is NOT Harmful to Your Health. Graphics and audio tape.
TOPIC 9 - Real Men Ask for Directions When Lost. Real life testimonials.
TOPIC 10 - Is It Genetically Impossible to Sit Quietly as She Parallel Parks? Driving simulation.
TOPIC 11 - Learning to Live: Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife. On-line class and role playing.
TOPIC 12 - How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion. Relaxation exercises, meditation, and breathing techniques.
TOPIC 13 - How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy: Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries, Other Important Dates, and Calling When You're Going to Be Late.
Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.*

* Upon completion of the course, diplomas will be issued to survivors.

Most of us have now learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of our lives. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if God decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing the following:

Thank you for calling heaven.
For English press 1
For Spanish press 2
For all other languages (including Hebrew and Latin), press 3

Please select one of the following options:

Press 1 for request
Press 2 for thanksgiving
Press 3 for complaints
Press 4 for all others

I am sorry, all our Angels and Saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.

If you would like to speak to:

God, press 1
Jesus, press 2
Holy spirit, press 3
To find a loved one that has been assigned to heaven press 5, then enter his social security # followed by the dollar sign.

(If you receive a negative response, please hang up and dial area code 666)

For reservations to heaven, please enter ST JOHN 
followed by the numbers, 3 16.

For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, life
and other planets, please wait until you arrive in heaven for the specifics.

Our computers show that you have already been prayed
for today, so please hang up and call again tomorrow.

The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday.

If you are calling after hours and need emergency 
assistance, please contact your local vicar.

Thank you, and have a heavenly day.

The Laws of Chocolate

1. If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
2. Chocolate covered raisins and strawberries count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
3. To get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the shop in a hot car, eat it before you drive home.
4. A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories all at once.
5. Store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights and will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
6. Eat equal amounts of plain and milk chocolate for a balanced diet.
7. Money talks. Chocolate sings
8 Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
9. Chocolate is derived from cocoa beans. Beans are vegetables. Therefore chocolate is a vegetable.
10. Put 'eat chocolate' at the top of your list of things to do today - that way you will at least achieve something.

The Penis talks: 
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons: I do physical labor. I work at great depths. I plunge head first into everything I do. I do not get weekends or public holidays off. I work in a damp environment. I don't get paid overtime. I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation. I work in high temperatures. My work exposes me to contagious diseases. 

Dear Penis, After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons: You do not work 8 hours straight. You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods. You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations. You do not take initiative; you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing. You will retire well before you are 65. You are unable to work double shifts. You sometimes leave your designated work before you have completed the assigned task. And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.

Sincerely, The Management

There are two Atoms talking to one another
First Atom says to the second Atom,
'I Think I've lost an Electron'
Second Atom says ' Are you sure'
First Atom replies 'Yes, I'm Positive'

The buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING. However, most people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing."

Here it is:
You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed," That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed," That's Advertising.
You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say,"Hi, I'm fantastic in bed," That's Telemarketing.
You see a guy at a party, you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say,"May I," and reach up to straighten his tie brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed," That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says,"I hear you're fantastic in bed," That's Brand Recognition.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with your friend. That's a Sales Rep. Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you. That's Tech Support.
You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated toward the center and shout at the top of your lungs,
"I'm fantastic in bed!" That's Junk Mail.

Irish they were and drunk for sure and they sat in the comer of Mulligan's newly refurbished bar. Across the wall opposite was a huge mirror, fourteen feet long and stretching from floor to ceiling.

Glancing around the room Pat suddenly spotted their reflection in the mirror. 'Mick, Mick,' he whispered. 'Don't look now but there's two fellas over there the image of us!'
'In the name of God,' said Mick, spotting the reflection. 'They're wearing identical clothes and everything.'
'That does it,' said Pat. 'I'm going to buy them a drink.'
But as Pat started to rise from his seat, Mick said, 'Sit down Pat one of them's coming over!'

Murphy lay in hospital covered in bandages head to foot - with just two little slits for his eyes.
'What happened to you?' asked Cassidy.
'I staggered out of the pub and a lorry hit me a glancing blow and knocked me through a plate glass window.'
'Begod,' said Cassidy. 'It's a good job you were wearing those bandages or you'd have been cut to ribbons!'

So Murphy had been greeted by the stunning news that he was to become a father for the first time. Jumping with joy, he couldn't wait to go out and celebrate with his pals. But first he must tend to the needs of his lovely wife Kate.

'Now my darling, I'm just popping along the road for a few minutes. Is there anything you'd like while I'm out?'
'Yes Pat,' said Kate. 'I'd like you to buy some snails. I just fancy cooking them in garlic butter tonight. So don't be long will you?'

Till be back before you know it,' promised Pat, full of good intentions. Two hours later, bag of snails in hand, he was still propping up Mooney's bar and wetting the baby's head for the umpteenth time. Finally he decided
to do the right thing and bade farewell to his pals and stumbled out into the night. Weaving from side to side, he eventually reached his house and tottered up towards the door. Sadly, in trying to get his keys out of his pocket, he dropped the bag of snails and 'crack' it split open on the step scattering snails everywhere.

The noise woke Kate who opened the bedroom window and shouted down: 'What's going on? Where have you been all this time?' Murphy looked down at the snails, clapped his hands and said: 'Come on lads - we're nearly home!'

'How much is the bus fare to Dalkey?' asked Cassidy.
'Sixty pence,' said the driver. 'I've only fifty,' said Cassidy. I'll run after the bus for a bit.' Having sprinted two stops, Cassidy breathlessly asked, 'How much is it 
now?'

'Seventy-five pence,' said the driver. 'You're running the wrong way.'

Why don't you give up the drinking, smoking and carousing?' said the do-gooder. 'It's too late,' replied Murphy. 'It's never too late,' assured the virtuous one.
'Well, there's no rush then,' smiled Murphy.

In Mulligan's bar, the young Salvation Army girl placed the collection box under the nose of Mick McCarthy and asked: 'Can you spare fifty pence for God?'
'How old are you?' asked Mick.
Twenty-four,' she replied.
'Well, I'm sixty-eight, I'll see him before you do. I'll pay him meself

'I'll have fish and chips twice,' said Murphy.
'Very well,' said the shopkeeper. 'The fish won't be long.'
'Then they'd better be fat,' said Murphy.

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?
Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the woman and a senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: The officer told me that you stole this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: The officer claims that you do not have a driver's license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: I must admit, ma'am, that I'm confused; the officer told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered the owner.
Woman: I suppose the lying basterd told you I was speeding, too.

CLASSES FOR WOMEN

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First
8. Communication Skills II : Thinking Before Speaking
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
12. Introduction to Parking
13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
19. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His
20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
21. Classic Footwear: Wearing Shoes You Already Have
22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
25. TV Remotes: For Men Only

Billy Connolly - & the people he hates.

Things I hate about everybody....

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know where my watch is pal, where the f**k is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". F**king right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the f**king floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short". What the f**k?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer? 

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Knobhead?

10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So what did they used to be? ears, Wellington boots?

11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image I really didn't need.

13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering.....It's has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger get blank looks...........Well
I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you f**king McTosser.

14. When you involved in a accident and someone asks 'are you alright?' Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off.

For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity...

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
10. Is there another word for synonym?
11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
25. How is it possible to have a civil war? @#&%$!!!# ????
26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?
30. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
33. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?
34. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?

2 Scousers are riding along the M62 from Manchester to Liverpool on a motorbike. They break down and start hitching a lift. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the scousers ask him for a lift.
He tells them he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them. He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it. Time is getting on now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the scousers he has to leave.
"R hey lad" they say "gissa lift". The trucker once again explains that he has no room as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls. The scousers put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back will he take them and he agrees.
They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way. By this time 
he is really late and so puts his foot down. Sure enough PC Plod of Greater Manchester Police pulls him up for speeding. The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies Scouse Eggs.
The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look. He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it. He gets onto his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible. The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers. "I've got a wagon with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it - 2 have already hatched and the
bastards have managed to nick a motorbike already".

A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police cruiser pulled her over and walked up to the car. The police officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license.

The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman "What does a driver's license look like?"

Irritated, the blonde cop said "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!"

The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license" and handed it to the
blonde policewoman.

The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all this hassle.

During an old French-British battle, a captured English major was asked, "Why do you English officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"

The major replied that English officers wear red coats so that if they are shot, the blood won't show and the men they are leading won't panic.

And that is why from that day to now all French Army officers wear brown pants.

A blind man enters a bar. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely 
quiet.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things.. * 1 -- The bartender is a blonde girl. * 2 -- The bouncer is a blonde gal. * 3 -- I'm a 6-foot tall,
15-stone blonde woman with a black belt in karate. * 4 -- The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter. * 5 -- The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler. Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still want to tell that joke? The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and declares, "Nah... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

SAEED AL SAHAF - Iraqi Head of Information:
“The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We do not even have a chicken.”

GEORGE W BUSH:
“We don t care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either for us or against us. There is no middle ground.”

COLIN POWELL:
“Now to the left of the screen you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.”

TONY BLAIR:
“I agree with George.”

HANS BLIX:
“We have reason to believe there is a chicken but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.”

DR SEUSS: “Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes the chicken crossed the road but why it crossed I ve not been told.”

MARTIN LUTHER KING JR:
“I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.”

GRANDPA:
“In my day we didn t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road and that was good enough.”

RONALD REAGAN:
“What chicken?”

SIGMUND FREUD:
“The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.”

BILL GATES:
“eChicken2003 will not only cross roads but will lay eggs file your important documents and balance your chequebook - and internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken.”

ALBERT EINSTEIN:
“Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?”

BILL CLINTON:
“What is your definition of chicken?”

THE BIBLE:
“And God came down from heaven and he said unto the chicken THOU SHALT CROSS THE ROAD. And the chicken didst cross the road and there was rejoicing.”

COLONEL SANDERS:
“Did I miss one?”

New Words for 2003
Essential additions for the workplace vocabulary:

BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a Deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home 
with the kids.

STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiney.

SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trial is a prime example.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.

OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the MALE SIDE.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. You can handle it. We need it up you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

2. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon. Let it be.

3. Crying is blackmail.

4. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

5. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

6. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 

7. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

8. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an
argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

9. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

10. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

11. If something we said could be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

12. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

13. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

14. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

15. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default
settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

16. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

17. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

18. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

19. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as cars, sex or sport

The Inland Revenue send their auditor to a synagogue.

The auditor is doing all the checks and then turns to the Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles.

" "Yes," answered the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked. "A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up and when we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd go on, in his obnoxious way... "Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."

"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster
the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"

"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the Inland Revenue.

"Inland Revenue?" questioned the auditor in disbelief.

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "Inland Revenue ..... and about once a year, they send us a little pr@ck like you".