Dear IT Support

Eighteen months ago I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mate 4.2 which I'd used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to
try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is also incompatible with several other applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 2 and Playboy 6.1. Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better. A shareware beta-programme, Party Girl 2.1 which I tried had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

Sensing a way out, I then upgraded to Fiance 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded (at great cost) to Wife 1.0, which I reluctantly agreed to because, whilst Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSex Plus and
Cleanhouse 2000.

Shortly after this upgrade however, I then discovered that Wife 1.0 can be very unstable and costly to run. For example, any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgot about them.

Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary Explorer and E-mail porn filter,and can, without warning, launch Photostrop and Whingezip! These latter products have no help files and I have to try and guess what the problem is myself.

Additional costly problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring Shoe Shop Browser for new attachments and also Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week.

Wife 1.0 also spawns unwelcome child processes that also drain my resources. It also conflicted with some of the new games I wanted to try, stating that they are an illegal operation.

When Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT programme it often crashes or runs the system dry. Wife 1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-in-Law, which can't be turned off.

Recently I've attempted to try Mistress 2002, but there could be problems - a friend has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects the presence of Mistress 2002 it tends to delete all my MS Money files before un-installing itself.

Any Ideas ?

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 1
RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!

We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time, however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!

A special announcement will be made by our CEO at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 2
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.

We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still
celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree present.

No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross dressing allowed though. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those
on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food. We suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics; the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All YOU #%&$ing Employees
DATE: December 10
RE: The #$%*!@% Holiday Party

Vegetarians?!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!

I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive, drink and die, you hear me!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!
The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

Imagine if all major brands started making their own condoms while keeping the same tagline.....

Sainsburys Condoms - making life taste better
Tescos Condoms - every little helps
AA Condoms - To our members, we're the 4th emergency service!
Nike Condoms - Just do it.
Peugeot Condoms - The ride of your life.
KFC Condoms - Finger Licking good.
Minstrels Condoms - melt in your mouth, not in your hands.
Safeway condoms - Lightening the load.
Abbey National condoms - because life is complicated enough.
Coca Cola condoms - The real thing.
Pringles condoms - once you pop, you cant stop
Burger king condoms - Home of the whopper
Goodyear condoms - "for a longer ride go wide"
Muller light condoms - so much pleasure, but where's the pain?
Flash condoms - Just sit back, relax and let flash do all the hardwork.
Royal Mail condoms - I saw this and thought of you.
Andrex condoms - Soft, strong and very, very long
Renault condoms - size really does matter!
Ronseal condoms - does exactly what it says on the tin
Ronseal quick-drying condoms - its dry and waterproof in about 30 minutes
Domestos condoms - gets right under the rim!
Heineken condoms - reaches parts that other condoms just cannot reach
Carlsburg condoms - probably the best condom in the world
Mars condoms - a condom a day helps you work, rest and play
Pepperami condoms - its a bit of an animal
Yorkie bar condoms - its not for girls

Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are NOT.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing. 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcahol may mack you tink you can tipe real god.

THE SHALLOW END OF THE GENE POOL CONTINUES TO EXPAND.

These are taken from real resumes, cover letters and performance appraisals and were printed in the July 21st issue of "Fortune" Magazine:

1. "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet pogroms."
2. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
3. "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
4. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
5. "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
7. "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
8. "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
9. "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
10. "Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."
11. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
12. "I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."
13. "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in  Meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
14. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
15. "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
16. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chainstore."
17. "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
18. "Marital status: often. Children: various."
19. "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."
20. "Finished eighth in class of ten."
21. "References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me."

These quotes were taken from actual Performance Evaluations:

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of definitely won't be."
4. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
5. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."
7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
8. "This employee is depriving a village of an idiot."
9. "This employee should go far and the sooner he starts, the better."

These lines are actual lines from Military Performance Appraisals:
1. "Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching."
2. "A room temperature IQ."
3. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
4. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
5. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
6. "Bright as Alaska in December."
7. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
8. "He's so dense, light bends around him."
9. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
10. "It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

Children laugh 146 times a day, adults laugh only 4 times a day.....no  wonder we're so unhappy... What's your new name???

Sometimes when you have a stressful day or week, you need some silliness to break up the day. Here is your Monday dose....
Follow the instructions to find your new name. The following in an excerpt from a children's book, "Captain Underpants and the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants" by Dave Pilkey.

The evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names... Use the third letter of your first name to determine your new first name:
a = poopsie
b = lumpy
c = buttercup
d = gidget
e = crusty
f = greasy
g = fluffy
h = cheeseball
i = chim-chim
j = stinky
k = flunky
l = boobie
m = pinky
n = zippy
o = goober
p = doofus
q = slimy
r = loopy
s = snotty
t = tulefel
u = dorkey
v = sq! ueezit
w = oprah
x = skipper
y = dinky
z = zsa-zsa

Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your new last name:

a = apple
b = toilet
c = giggle
d = burger
e = girdle
f = barf
g = lizard
h = waffle
i = cootie
j = monkey
k = potty
l = liver
m = banana
n = rhino
o = bubble
p = hamster
q = toad
r = gizzard
s = pizza
t = gerbil
u = chicken
v = pickle
w = chuckle
x = tofu
y = gorilla
z = stinker

Use the fourth letter of your last name to determine the second half of your new last name:

a = head
b = mouth
c = face
d = nose
e = tush
f = breath
g = pants
h = shorts
i = lips
j = honker
k = butt
l = brain
m = tushie
n = chunks
o = hiney
p = biscuits
q = toes
r = buns
s = fanny
t = sniffer
u = sprinkles
v = kisser
w = squirt !
x = humperdinck
y = brains
z = juice

For example, George W. Bush's new name is Goober Chickenshorts.

A wealthy hospital benefactor was visiting the local hospital. During her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.
"Oh my GOD!" said the woman. "That's disgraceful. Why is he doing that?"
"The doctor that was leading the tour explained, "I am sorry, but this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they'll explode and he will die within minutes."
"Oh, that's terrible," said the woman. In the very next room they could see that a female nurse was performing oral sex on a different male patient.
OH my GOD!" said the woman, "How can that be justified?"
The doctor replied, "Same illness, better health plan."

He said . . . I don't now why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said . . . Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly.
She said . . . Well, you succeeded!

He said . . .Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . . . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said . . . What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . . .Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . . . Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said . . . I would but you're never there.

Q. Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A. They don't have time

Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer.

Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.

Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don't know; it has never happened.

Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her.
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."

One day in the future, George Bush has a heart attack (or chokes on a pretzel, whatever takes your fancy) and dies. He immediately goes to hell,where the devil is waiting for him. I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely 
have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Bush thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the First room:In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No," George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."The devil led him to the next room: In it was Ronald Reagan with a sledge hammer and 
a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented George. The devil opened a third door: In it, Bush saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose.Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Bush took this in with disbelief and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said......... 

OK, Monica, you're free to go.!!!!!!!!!

Two peanuts walk into a bar 
One was a salted 

A jump-lead walks into a bar. 
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything." 

A sandwich walks into a bar. 
The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here." 

A dyslexic man walks into a bra. 

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road." 

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. 
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant. 

Two cannibals are eating a clown. 
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?" 

Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doc. 
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it." 

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'." 
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." 
"Is it common?" 
"It's not unusual." 

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, 
Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this 
morning." 
"I don't believe you," said Dolly. 
"It's true, straight up, no bull!" 

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts. 
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts." 

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. 
One says, "I think I've lost an electron." 
The other says, "Are you sure?" 
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..." 

Answer phone message 
"....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...." 

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before 

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 
My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" 
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" 
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. 
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." 
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?" 
"No, because he's really heavy" 
 
Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom! 

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's 
Colin.

I went to buy some camoflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. 

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.' 

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant. 

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. 
He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" 
The doctor replied,"I know you can't, I've cut your arms off". 

I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a muscle. 

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. 

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van 
covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself. 

What do you call a fish with no eyes? 
A fsh 

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. 
One turns to the other and says "dam" 

Two fish are in a tank 
One says to the other "I'll man the guns, you drive" 

The teacher gave her fifth year class an assignment: Get your parents to tell you a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began
to tell their stories. 
Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess. "What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher" Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story, "don't count your chickens before they're hatched." "That was a fine story, Sarah."
"Johnny, do you have a story to share?" "Yes, miss, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break, and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed
twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And
then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the fuck away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven...don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes
St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on - very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you... but I stepped on a duck!"