This was allegedly posted very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas Website by an employee there who obviously has a sense of humour. The company, of course, does not have a sense of humour, and made the web department take it down immediately (for once, the 'IMPORTANT' note at the end is worth a read too...).

Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In
order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to
fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey
questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop
new products that best meet your needs and desires.

1.
[_] Mr.
[_] Mrs.
[_] Ms.
[_] Miss
[_] Lt.
[_] Gen.
[_] Comrade
[_] Classified
[_] Other
First Name: .....................................................
Initial: ........
Last Name......................................................
Password: .............................. (max. 8 char)
Code Name: ......................................................
Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ........... ...........

2. Which model of aircraft did you purchase?
[_] F-14 Tomcat
[_] F-15 Eagle
[_] F-16 Falcon
[_] F-117A Stealth
[_] Classified

3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 19....... /....... /......

4. Serial Number: ...............................................

5. Please indicate where this product was purchased:
[_] Received as gift / aid package
[_] Catalogue / showroom
[_] Independent arms broker
[_] Mail order
[_] Discount store
[_] Government surplus
[_] Classified

6. Please indicate how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas
product you have just purchased:
[_] Heard loud noise, looked up
[_] Store display
[_] Espionage
[_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally
[_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
[_] Was attacked by one

7. Please indicate the three (3) factors that most influenced your
decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
[_] Style / appearance
[_] Speed / manoeuvrability
[_] Price / value
[_] Comfort / convenience
[_] Kickback / bribe
[_] Recommended by salesperson
[_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
[_] Advanced Weapons Systems
[_] Backroom politics
[_] Negative experience opposing one in combat

8. Please indicate the location(s) where this product will be used:
[_] North America
[_] Iraq
[_] Iraq
[_] Aircraft carrier
[_] Iraq
[_] Europe
[_] Iraq
[_] Middle East (not Iraq)
[_] Iraq
[_] Africa
[_] Iraq
[_] Asia / Far East
[_] Iraq
[_] Misc. Third World countries
[_] Iraq
[_] Classified
[_] Iraq

9. Please indicate the products that you currently own or intend to
purchase in the near future:
[_] Colour TV
[_] VCR
[_] ICBM
[_] Killer Satellite
[_] CD Player
[_] Air-to-Air Missiles
[_] Space Shuttle
[_] Home Computer
[_] Nuclear Weapon

10. How would you describe yourself or your organisation? (Indicate
all that apply:)
[_] Communist / Socialist
[_] Terrorist
[_] Crazed
[_] Neutral
[_] Democratic
[_] Dictatorship
[_] Corrupt
[_] Primitive / Tribal

11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
[_] Deficit spending
[_] Cash
[_] Suitcases of cocaine
[_] Oil revenues
[_] Personal cheque
[_] Credit card
[_] Ransom money
[_] Traveller's cheque

12. Your occupation:
[_] Homemaker
[_] Sales / marketing
[_] Revolutionary
[_] Clerical
[_] Mercenary
[_] Tyrant
[_] Middle management
[_] Eccentric billionaire
[_] Defence Minister / General
[_] Retired
[_] Student

13. To help us better understand our customers, please indicate the
interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy
participating on a regular basis:
[_] Golf
[_] Boating / sailing
[_] Sabotage
[_] Running / jogging
[_] Propaganda / misinformation
[_] Destabilisation / overthrow
[_] Default on loans
[_] Gardening
[_] Crafts
[_] Black market / smuggling
[_] Collectibles / collections
[_] Watching sports on TV
[_] Wines
[_] Interrogation / torture
[_] Household pets
[_] Crushing rebellions
[_] Espionage / reconnaissance
[_] Fashion clothing
[_] Border disputes
[_] Mutually Assured Destruction


Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia. As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win a brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes!

Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:

McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION Marketing Department Military,
Aerospace Division

IMPORTANT: This email is intended for the use of the individual addressee(s) named above and may contain information that is confidential privileged or unsuitable for overly sensitive persons with low self-esteem, no sense of humour or irrational religious beliefs. If you are not the intended recipient, any dissemination, distribution or copying of this email is not authorised (either explicitly or
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Unless the word absquatulation has been used in its correct context somewhere other than in this warning, it does not have any legal or no grammatical use and may be ignored. No animals were harmed in the transmission of this email, although the kelpie next door is living on borrowed time, let me tell you. Those of you with an
overwhelming fear of the unknown will be gratified to learn that there is no hidden message revealed by reading this warning backwards, so just ignore that Alert Notice from Microsoft. However, by pouring a complete circle of salt around yourself and your computer you can ensure that no
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If you have received this email in error, please add some nutmeg and egg whites, whisk and place in a warm oven for 40 minutes.

The Stella Awards - America at its very best!
The "Stella" awards rank up there with the Darwin awards.

In 1994, a New Mexico jury awarded $ 2.9 million U.S. in damages to 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who suffered third-degree burns to her legs, groin and buttocks after spilling a cup of McDonald's coffee on herself. This case
inspired an annual award - Thee "Stella" Award - for the most frivolous lawsuit in the U.S.

The ones listed below are clear candidates. All these cases are verging on the outright ridiculous and yet (in the good old USA) with the right attorney you could win anything!

1. January 2000:
Kathleen Robertson of Austin Texas was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little bastard was Ms. Robertson's son.

2. June 1998:
A 19 year old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbour ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car, when he was trying to steal his neighbour's hubcaps. 

3. October 1998:
A Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house
and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation. Mr.Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of half a million dollars.

4. October 1999:
Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbour's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in it's owner's fenced-in yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

5. May 2000:
A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson threw it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. 

6. December 1997:
Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighbouring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid
paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

And the winner is:
Mr Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City. In November 2000 Mr Grazinski purchased a brand new 32 foot Winnebago motor home. On his first trip home, having joined the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly the Winnie left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the handbook that he couldn't actually do this. He was awarded $1,750,000 plus a new Winnie. (Winnebago actually changed their handbooks on the back of this court case, just in case there are any other complete morons buying their vehicles.)

Yes, the one we've all been waiting for - the 2002 Darwin Awards. The candidates have finally been released! For those not familiar with the Darwin Award, it's an annual honour given to the person who provided the Universal human gene pool the biggest service by getting KILLED in the most extraordinarily stupid way. As always, competition this year has been keen again. Some candidates appear to have trained their whole lives for this
event!

THE CANDIDATES:
1. In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing headfirst through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys. 

2. In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran," accidentally jogged off a 100-foot-high cliff on his daily run.

3. Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8 foot deep hole he dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach goers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom on Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him
while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

4. In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burgling. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

5. According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet, Nick Berrena, 20, was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet, Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest Berrena was wearing. 

6. Sylvester Briddell, JR., 26, was killed in February in Selbyville, Del, as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

7. In February, according to police in Windsor, Ontario, Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.

HONOURABLE MENTIONS
1. In Guthrie, Okla, in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede with a shot from his 22-calibre rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing his skull.

2. In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favour of a propane torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his house.

3. Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalised in Andover Township, NJ, and his wife, Bonnie, was also injured, when a quarter-stick of dynamite blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 a.m., the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but apparently failed to notice the window was closed.

THE RUNNER UP - FROM TACOMA, WA.
Jerome Nottage had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 am. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge, they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Nottage, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured around Nottage's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet
before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy river water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say," said Nottage, "is that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no other explanation for it." Nottage's foot was never located.

AND FINALLY, THE WINNER - FROM PADERBORN, GERMANY:

Overzealous zoo keeper, Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his constipated elephant, Stefan, 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let it fly, and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop! Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him. "The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground,
where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him," said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective, Erik Dern. "With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. It seems to be just
one of those freak accidents that happen."

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.

“Come have a look over here“, says Paddy, “It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul, he lived to the ripe old age of 87.“

“That's nothing“, says Sean, “here's one named Patrick O'Toole. It says here that he was 95 when he died.“ 

Just then, Shamus yells out, “But here's a fella that died when he was 145 years old!“

“What was his name?“ asks Paddy.

Shamus lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, “Miles, from Dublin.“

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any chemist.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles into the local chemist and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her strangely (she is, after all, over 80), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.

The Ferrari F1 Team has fired their entire pit crew.

The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of Tony Blair's "Work for All" incentive scheme and hire unemployed youths from Liverpool. The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary on how the unemployed youths in Liverpool were able to remove a set of car wheels in less than six seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in eight seconds.

This was thought to be an exciting and bold move by Ferrari Management, as most races are won & lost in the pits. It was thought that Ferrari would have a distinct advantage over every other team.

However Ferrari's hopes were soon dashed, when during the new Crew's first practice session not only were "da boys from Bootle" able to change the tyres in under six seconds, but within 12 seconds they had resprayed, rebadged and sold the vehicle to the McLaren Team for four dozen Stella's and a gram of charlie.

Things That Are Difficult to Say When You're Drunk

Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon

Things That Are VERY Difficult to Say When You're Drunk:

Specificity
Cogito ergo sum
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious
Transubstantiate

Things That Are Downright IMPOSSIBLE to Say When You're Drunk:

Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
No kebab for me, thank you
Good evening, officer, isn't it lovely out tonight? (PC - put
it away sir, PLEASE!)
I'm not interested in fighting you.
Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing!

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating Ireland's draw with Germany. Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy". Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then." Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "Sh*te" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.

He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and get some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up the doorframe. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk. He falls flat on his face. "I'm fockin' focked," he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door and shimmies up the doorframe, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way". He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed." He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Fock it" and falls into bed. The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a
cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?". Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?" "Mick called. You left your wheelchair at the pub."

Manchester Earthquake Appeal 

A NUMBER OF MAJOR EARTHQUAKES MEASURING FROM 3.2 ON THE RICHTER SCALE, HIT IN THE EARLY HOURS OF MONDAY 21ST OCTOBER 2002 EPICENTERED ON MANCHESTER, UK 

Victims can be seen wandering aimlessly muttering: 
"Fookin' shaking, yow," "Fook" and "Someone just twocked me 'ouse". The Earthquake decimated the area, causing approximately £10 worth of damage. Subsequent to the seismic activity, some fireworks missed their intended human targets, causing damage to nearby historic and scientifically significant litter. It is estimated that, during the confusion, over £5 million worth of robbery-time was lost, damaging the Mancunian economy. Many were woken well before their giro arrived. Thousands are confused and bewildered, trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting has happened in Manchester. 

One resident, Donna-Marie Dutton, a 17-year-old mother-of-three said, "It felt just like when that fookin' Magic bus hit t'fookin' 'ouse. Little Chantal-Leanne came running into my bedroom shouting "fook". My youngest two, Liam-Noel and Kevin slept through it. I was still shaking when I was watching Trisha the next morning." 

Apparently, though, looting did carry on as normal. The British Red Cross have so far managed to ship 4000 crates of Red Stripe to the area to help the stricken masses. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings including fireworks, burberry caps, benefit books and jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos.

HOW YOU CAN HELP 
This appeal is to raise clothing and food parcels for those 
unfortunate enough to be caught up in it. Clothing is most sought after. 

Items required include: - 
Caps 
Adidas Tracksuit bottoms 
White Socks 
Shell Suits 
Boots 

Food parcels may be harder to put together but necessary all the same Required foodstuffs include: - 
Pies 
Chips 
McDonalds 
Red Stripe 
Fireworks 

Mancunians have insisted to avoid problems "wit' the fookin' rozzers" they don't need any more handouts but just wish to be able to "help themselves" in this difficult time, more than the just dole money they already claim (for five different people). £10 can provide a hammer, which can be used to 'twock' grannies and back up shoplifting exploits, providing enough money to support a 
family of Scallys on McDonalds for the forseeable future. 
£5 will provide a Mancunian with essential "E's and Scag" 
22p buys a biro for filling in a spurious compensation claim If you can afford it, £120 buys a new pair of Nike Airs, justifying one Scally's decision to tuck their tracksuit bottoms into their socks, and helping said individual avoid being caught while nicking said trainers from JD Sports. 

Please do not send money directly to Mancunians, as there is a good chance they'll come looking for you, realising in their primitive way, that where there is money to give away, there is great potential for robbery. 

Please give generously. 
Sammy Boyo esq 
On behalf of the Manchester Earthquake Appeal Fund

JILL: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
JOHN: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."
JILL: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
JOHN: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out.
Where's the car?"
JILL: "In the pool."

A "Husband Shopping Center" was opened where a woman could go to choose from among many men, to be her husband. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended up the
floors. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you must choose a man from that floor, and if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place.

So, a couple of girlfriends go to the place to find men. First floor, the door had a sign saying: 'These men have jobs and love kids.. The women read the sign and say: .Well that's better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up? So up they go.

Second floor says: .These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.. .Hmmm., say the girls, .But, I wonder what's further up?

Third floor: .These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework.. .Wow!. say the women. .Very tempting, BUT, there.s more further up!. And so again, they go up.

Fourth floor: .These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak. Oh, mercy me. But just think!?!?! What must be awaiting us further on!

So up to the fifth floor they go.
The sign on that door said: .This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping and have a nice day!!

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, and then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?

They send me a BLIND policeman.

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his  wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk
about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashamed. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my
penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"And what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."

Are they male or female?

SWISS ARMY KNIFE -- male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles. 
KIDNEYS -- female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.
TIRE -- male, because it goes bald and is often over-inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOON: male, because to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it . . . and, of course, there's the hot air part.
SPONGES -- female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGE -- female, because it is always getting hit on.
SHOE -- male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
COPIER -- female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up -- because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed -- because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.
ZIPLOC BAGS -- male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.
SUBWAY -- male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
HAMMER -- male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
REMOTE CONTROL -- Definitely female, because it gives men pleasure; he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying

Top Ten Sexually Tilted Lines in "Star Wars (A New Hope)"

1. "She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid."
2. "Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!"
3. "Look at the size of that thing!"
4. "Sorry about the mess..."
5. "You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought."
6. "Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?"
7. "You've got something jammed in here real good."
8. "Put that thing away before you get us all killed!"
9. "Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?"
10. "Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care *what* you smell!"

Top Ten Sexually Tilted Lines in "The Empire Strikes Back"

1. "And I thought they smelled bad...on the *outside*!"
2. "Possible he came in through the south entrance."
3. "I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh kid?"
4. "Hurry up, golden-rod..."
5. "That's okay, I'd like to keep it on manual control for a while."
6. "But now we must eat. Cum, good food, cummm..."
7. "Control, control! You must learn control!"
8. "There's an awful lot of moisture in here."
9. "Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?"
10. "I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me!"

Top Ten Sexually Tilted Lines in "Return of the Jedi"

1. "Rise, my friend."
2. "Open the back door!"
3. "Hey, point that thing somewhere else!"
4. "It's just a dead animal..."
5. "Not bad for a little furball."
6. "How can they be jamming us if they don't know we're coming?"
7. "Come here, I won't hurt you. You want something to eat?"
8. "Keep on that one, I'll take these two"
9. "I want you to take her. I mean it, take her!"
10. "I don't think the Empire had wookies in mind when they designed her, Chewie."

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly." The other man said, "What's the name of the restaurant?" The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What's the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know ... the one that's red and has thorns." "Do you mean a rose?" "Yes," the man said. He turned toward the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

ANNOUNCEMENTS HEARD ON LONDON UNDERGROUND

"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from elbow and backside syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further info as soon as I'm given any".

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you are all dying to get home, unless of course if you happen to be married to my ex wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the West bound
and go in the opposite direction".

"Please allow these doors to close. Try not to confuse this with "Please hold the doors open". The two are distinct and separate instructions".

"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it is only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage".

"Ladies and Gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there has been a security alert at Victoria Station, and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future. Let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now - ten green bottles hanging on the wall".

"We are now travelling through Baker Street. As you can see Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier. But no, they don't think about things like that".

"Apparently the train is no longer terminating at Barking, but is in fact terminating here. I'm sorry about this, but I was under the impression that this train was going to Barking. But "they" have other ideas. I mean why tell me? I'm merely the driver".

"We can't move off because some f*cking idiot has his hand in the door"

"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!! Pause "Oh go on then, see if I care, I'm going home." Cue uproarious laughter from the whole station.

"To the Gentleman wearing the long grey coat, trying to get on the 2nd coach, what part of "stand clear of the doors" don't you understand?" 

"Beggars are operating on this train. Please do not encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity, failing that, give it to me".