A gaggle of giggles
Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope wasn't strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to let go, because otherwise they were all going to fall to their deaths.
 
They weren't able to decide who, until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as a woman she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, or for men in general, without ever getting anything in return.
 
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands.

Letter to the Federal Aviation Administration, Washington, DC.
 
Dear Sirs:
 
I have the solution for preventing hijackings and getting our airline industry back on its feet.
 
Since men of the Muslim religion aren't allowed to look at naked women, we should replace all our female flight attendants with strippers.

Then Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing a naked woman, and, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again in the hope of seeing a naked woman.
 
We'd have no more hijackings and the airline industry would have record sales.
 
Now why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?
 
Sincerely,
Bill Clinton

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.
 

The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side. She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love. After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling: "Well, how was it?"
 
The guy says, "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

BITS OF WISDOM
 
Love is grand.
Divorce is a hundred grand.
 
I am in shape.
Round is a shape.
 
Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
 
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark, professionals built the Titanic.
 
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
 
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
 
Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
 
An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world.
A pessimist fears that this is true.
 
There will always be death and taxes; however, death doesn't get worse every year.
 
I am a nutritional overachiever.
 
I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
 
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
 
A day without sunshine is like night.
 
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
 
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
 
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.

Last month, a worldwide survey was conducted by the UN.
 
The only question asked was:
 
"What is your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortages in the rest of the world?"
 
The survey was a HUGE failure.
 
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

The following are all replies that women have put on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details:
 
1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by [name removed]. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.
 
2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.
 
3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was
conceived at a party [address and date given] where I had unprotected
sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone number? Thanks.
 
4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a
BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in One of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.
 
5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is
Christ risen again.
 
6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to
do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.
 
7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.
 
8. [name given] is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CD's?
 
9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at EuroDisney - maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.
 
10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember
for sure is Delia Smith did a programme about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at [address given] mine might have remained unfertilised.

Actual article from the LA Times:
 
"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil" Eric Witton told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Witton, and his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in." he explained. "As usual Kiki shouted out 'Armageddon', my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him."
 
At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next:
 

"The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out of the tubing, igniting Mr.Witton's hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball."
 

"Witton suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract."

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said, £15.00. "Why so little?"
 she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought that it wasn't so bad. When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation. Moments later, the woman's husband, Bob, came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Bob."

The Geography of a Woman 

Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is
half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around
the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the
war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now
necessary.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With
a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future.

After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.
 

The Geography of a Man:

Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick.

Windows 2000
 
It has come to the attention of Microsoft that several copies of a Geordie version of Windows 2000, otherwise known as Windaz Too Thoosand, may have accidentally been shipped out of Newcastle.
 
If you have one of the Newcastle editions, you may need some help understanding the commands.
 
You will be able to tell immediately if you have a copy of Windaz 2000 by the egg-timer being replaced by a bottle of Brown Ale.
 
Also note:
The recycle bin is labelled "Shite"
Dialup network is called "Me mates"
Control Panel is known as "How we fook aboot wi the settins"
The hard drive is referred to as "Big disk wi aall me stuff on it"

Other features to note:
Ok - Alreet
Cancel - Fook that
Yes - Aye
No - Nee fookin chance
Goto - Owa there
Help - Ah cannit dee it
Personal folder/My Documents - Me shite
 

Windaz 2000 does not recognise capital letters or punctuation marks.
 
Applications exclusive to Windaz 2000 include:
Tipe Rita - a word processor
Cullarin book - a graphics package
Addin masheen - a calculator
Dole 2000 - accounting software
Porn - Internet Explorer

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY
 
Day number 180
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 PM - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 PM - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

Day number 181
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 PM - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 PM - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

Day number 182
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 PM - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
1:30 PM - ooooooo. bath. bummer.
4:00 PM - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
 
EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY
 
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and
the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
   
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.
  
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
 
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise
and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer". More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
   
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can work on that...

An Englishman was sitting with an German and a Frenchman in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled barrel of beer, when all of a sudden, Saudi police entered and arrested them. They were initially sentenced to death but they contested this and were finally imprisoned for life. But, as it was a national holiday, the Sheikh decided they should be released after receiving 20 lashes of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
 
So the French guy thought for a while and then said: "Please be tying a pillow to my back."
 
This was done but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through.
 
The German, watching the scene, said: "Please fix two pillows on my
back". But even two pillows could only take 10 lashes before the whip went through again.
 
Before the Englishman could say something, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "As you are from a popular country, and your golfers are terrific, and I like your women you can have two wishes!" "Thank you, Most Royal and Merciful Highness", the Englishman replies. "My first wish is: "I would like to have 40 lashes."
 
"If you so desire", the Sheikh replies with a questioning look on his face, "and your second wish?"
 
"Tie the Frenchman to my back"

SIPPING VODKA

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this
and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's,
not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.